3.27.06
Volume 2, Issue 9
I WANT TO BELIEVE.
ninjitsu
Yes, Virginia, There Really Are Ninjas.
By Joel Jensen
Dear Editor: I am 8 years old.
Some of my friends say there are no Ninjas.
Papa says, “If you see it in American Nerd, it’s so.”
Please tell me the truth; are there Ninjas?
Virginia O’Hanlon
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street
Virginia,
Your little friends are shameful morons. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. Their puny, stupid minds. All minds, Virginia, are puny, lifeless boogers when compared to the incandescence of the mind of the Ninja. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measure by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge, the incomprehensibility of Ninjitsu.
Yes, Virgina, there are Ninjas. They exist as certainly as ghostly pirate ships, Martian robots, and man-eating piranhas exist, and you know that they abound and give life its highest awesomeness and joy. Alas! How dreary life would be if there were no Ninjas! It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no stealth back-flips in the dead of night, no flying with the power of the mind, no ass-kicking to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in the pathetic distraction of dolls and tops, and the other miserable toys that we pretended to appreciate before we discovered Ninjas. The eternal light which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Ninjas! You might as well not believe in evil cyborg gangsters! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the dojos on every night to catch Ninjas, but even if they did not see Ninjas wailing on guitars or shooting fire from their eyes, what would that prove? Nobody sees Ninjas, but that is no sign that there are no Ninjas. It is only a sign of the Ninja’s power of invisibility. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see radioactive mutants creeping across the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest man that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, coolness, awesomeness, and unbelievably bodacious ass-kicking can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal studliness and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Ninjas! Thank GOD! They live, and they live forever. A thousand years from now, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, Ninjas will continue to righteously rock the heart of childhood.
Some of my friends say there are no Ninjas.
Papa says, “If you see it in American Nerd, it’s so.”
Please tell me the truth; are there Ninjas?
Virginia O’Hanlon
115 West Ninety-Fifth Street
Virginia,
Your little friends are shameful morons. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. Their puny, stupid minds. All minds, Virginia, are puny, lifeless boogers when compared to the incandescence of the mind of the Ninja. In this great universe of ours man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measure by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge, the incomprehensibility of Ninjitsu.
Yes, Virgina, there are Ninjas. They exist as certainly as ghostly pirate ships, Martian robots, and man-eating piranhas exist, and you know that they abound and give life its highest awesomeness and joy. Alas! How dreary life would be if there were no Ninjas! It would be as dreary as if there were no VIRGINIAS. There would be no stealth back-flips in the dead of night, no flying with the power of the mind, no ass-kicking to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in the pathetic distraction of dolls and tops, and the other miserable toys that we pretended to appreciate before we discovered Ninjas. The eternal light which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Ninjas! You might as well not believe in evil cyborg gangsters! You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the dojos on every night to catch Ninjas, but even if they did not see Ninjas wailing on guitars or shooting fire from their eyes, what would that prove? Nobody sees Ninjas, but that is no sign that there are no Ninjas. It is only a sign of the Ninja’s power of invisibility. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see radioactive mutants creeping across the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest man that ever lived, could tear apart. Only faith, coolness, awesomeness, and unbelievably bodacious ass-kicking can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal studliness and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Ninjas! Thank GOD! They live, and they live forever. A thousand years from now, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, Ninjas will continue to righteously rock the heart of childhood.