3.20.06
Volume 2, Issue 8
And FDR always seemed so cuddly...
history
Great Moments in the Secret History of the United States
Volume 1
By Keith Pille
August 6, 1857—Lincoln Turns to Snake Worship
A small-time country lawyer and failed politician cursed with chronic flatulence and an arsenal of terribly unfunny jokes, Abraham Lincoln saw his fortunes improve dramatically in 1857 when a trip to the Springfield, Illinois library acquainted him with Apep, an Egyptian Snake God.
Intrigued, Lincoln contacted Apep through a series of blood sacrifice rituals and promised the long-slumbering deity his unwavering allegiance in exchange for the power to cloud mortal men's minds. The snake god happily assented, and shortly afterwards the Rail-Splitter gained renown within the fledgling Republican party for both his estimable personal hygiene and wonderful sense of humor. The rest is history.
September 1, 1937—FDR Hunts the Most Dangerous Game
Reeling from the strain of leading the country through the Great Depression and navigating through the hazardous waters of 1930s international relations, Franklin Roosevelt was in a blue mood at a late-August White House reception for the recently-abdicated King Edward VIII. Edward, sensing his host's unease, suggested a pick-me-up that had (and continues to) serve to boost the spirits of the UK's Royal family since time immemorial: hunting the poor.
FDR brightened visibly at the prospect, and wheels were set in motion. A false soup kitchen was set up in Baltimore to lure in homeless men, who were then kidnapped and released onto a large tract of Roosevelt family land in upstate new York. In order to allow Roosevelt to properly hunt his quarry despite the paralysis of his legs, a special motorized wheelchair was created, complete with a Browning .50-caliber machine gun mounted to the front.
The hunt was a great success (Roosevelt was reported to have giggled like a schoolgirl when Edward's horse lost its footing in a slick created by the spilled entrails of a hobo FDR had cut in half with his Browning), and became an annual event throughout the remainder of the Depression and World War II.
October 23, 1962—Kennedy Mobilizes Strategic Hooker Reserve
As Cold War tensions approached a boiling point during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the prospect of nuclear annihilation grew larger and larger. No one was more aware of this fact that President John F. Kennedy, who faced the very real prospect of both witnessing the destruction of his country and ordering that of another.
Under responsibilities greater than any borne by any leader previously in history, Kennedy did what all great leaders do—turned to fellatio. Presidential Order 62069 authorized, for the first time in history, the activation of the crack squadron of high-class prostitutes maintained in a secure FEMA facility in suburban Washington. "If I'm going to get burned to cinders in a cluster of H-bomb detonations hotter than the surface of the sun, you'd better believe some skank will be deep-throating me while it happens," he is reported to have told Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara after signing the order.
A squad of Secret Service agents brought the Strategic Hooker Reserve to the White House, and by all accounts Kennedy spent the remainder of the Cuban Missile Crisis with his dick in someone's mouth.
On October 28, Khrushchev announced that the USSR would remove its missiles from Cuba; the SHR remained activated for approximately one more week, before they were returned to their compound with very tired jaw muscles.
April 12, 2002—Bill Clinton Discovers SuicideGirls
Reportedly bored and adrift by post-Presidential ennui, Clinton's life gained renewed meaning when, flipping through the Village Voice while waiting at the dentist, he chanced to see an ad offering him naked punk rock girls online for a modest monthly subscription fee. While his family and friends remark that the former President has seemed to have much more direction to his life, it's not all upside: work on his memoirs ground to a halt for years, and his hand lotion expenditures have reportedly quadrupled.
A small-time country lawyer and failed politician cursed with chronic flatulence and an arsenal of terribly unfunny jokes, Abraham Lincoln saw his fortunes improve dramatically in 1857 when a trip to the Springfield, Illinois library acquainted him with Apep, an Egyptian Snake God.
Intrigued, Lincoln contacted Apep through a series of blood sacrifice rituals and promised the long-slumbering deity his unwavering allegiance in exchange for the power to cloud mortal men's minds. The snake god happily assented, and shortly afterwards the Rail-Splitter gained renown within the fledgling Republican party for both his estimable personal hygiene and wonderful sense of humor. The rest is history.
September 1, 1937—FDR Hunts the Most Dangerous Game
Reeling from the strain of leading the country through the Great Depression and navigating through the hazardous waters of 1930s international relations, Franklin Roosevelt was in a blue mood at a late-August White House reception for the recently-abdicated King Edward VIII. Edward, sensing his host's unease, suggested a pick-me-up that had (and continues to) serve to boost the spirits of the UK's Royal family since time immemorial: hunting the poor.
FDR brightened visibly at the prospect, and wheels were set in motion. A false soup kitchen was set up in Baltimore to lure in homeless men, who were then kidnapped and released onto a large tract of Roosevelt family land in upstate new York. In order to allow Roosevelt to properly hunt his quarry despite the paralysis of his legs, a special motorized wheelchair was created, complete with a Browning .50-caliber machine gun mounted to the front.
The hunt was a great success (Roosevelt was reported to have giggled like a schoolgirl when Edward's horse lost its footing in a slick created by the spilled entrails of a hobo FDR had cut in half with his Browning), and became an annual event throughout the remainder of the Depression and World War II.
October 23, 1962—Kennedy Mobilizes Strategic Hooker Reserve
As Cold War tensions approached a boiling point during the Cuban Missile Crisis, the prospect of nuclear annihilation grew larger and larger. No one was more aware of this fact that President John F. Kennedy, who faced the very real prospect of both witnessing the destruction of his country and ordering that of another.
Under responsibilities greater than any borne by any leader previously in history, Kennedy did what all great leaders do—turned to fellatio. Presidential Order 62069 authorized, for the first time in history, the activation of the crack squadron of high-class prostitutes maintained in a secure FEMA facility in suburban Washington. "If I'm going to get burned to cinders in a cluster of H-bomb detonations hotter than the surface of the sun, you'd better believe some skank will be deep-throating me while it happens," he is reported to have told Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara after signing the order.
A squad of Secret Service agents brought the Strategic Hooker Reserve to the White House, and by all accounts Kennedy spent the remainder of the Cuban Missile Crisis with his dick in someone's mouth.
On October 28, Khrushchev announced that the USSR would remove its missiles from Cuba; the SHR remained activated for approximately one more week, before they were returned to their compound with very tired jaw muscles.
April 12, 2002—Bill Clinton Discovers SuicideGirls
Reportedly bored and adrift by post-Presidential ennui, Clinton's life gained renewed meaning when, flipping through the Village Voice while waiting at the dentist, he chanced to see an ad offering him naked punk rock girls online for a modest monthly subscription fee. While his family and friends remark that the former President has seemed to have much more direction to his life, it's not all upside: work on his memoirs ground to a halt for years, and his hand lotion expenditures have reportedly quadrupled.