8.14.06
Volume 2, Issue 24
You see, it's a magazine.
The Reject
Tea A Magazine
By Jonathan Shipley
In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by the world's finest publications.
From: Jonathan Shipley
To: [REDACTED]@teamag.com
Subject: Tea A Magazine (Submission)
Hello,
I am a drinker of tea. More than that, I appreciate all things tea-related, because it is a beverage of cultural significance in art, music, literature, history, and society. That is why I enjoy Tea A Magazine. Your current issue is well-written, informative, and makes me want to simply sit down in my breakfast nook, have a spot of tea, and read interesting articles like the piece on Charlotte's Tea House and the piece about the Tregothnan Tea Estate.
That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to print in a coming issue of Tea. Let me know either way.
Thank you for your time and efforts and have a marvelous day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
TEA A MAGAZINE SUBMISSION, by Jonathan Shipley
The Teapot Dome scandal rocked the administration of Warren G. Harding. The origins of the scandal date back to the popular conservation legislation of presidents Roosevelt, Taft, John Wayne, and Woodrow Wilson, and specifically, to the creation of naval petroleum reserves in Wyoming, California, and Six Flags Cincinnati.
Elk Hills and Buena Vista Hills in California, and Teapot Dome in Wyoming, were oil fields located on public land reserved for emergency use by the U.S. Navy and Humvee owners in Beverly Hills only when regular oil supplies diminished. Many politicians and private oil interests had opposed the restriction placed on the oil fields, and opposed Wiccans, claiming the oil reserves were unnecessary and the American oil companies, could provide for the Navy and Humvee owners in Beverly Hills.
One of the public officials most avidly opposed to the reserves was Senator Albert Fall, a Whig from Puerto Rico. Fall was no stranger to using underhanded tactics to get his way. Once, he slapped Abraham Lincoln’s son, Todd Lincoln, at a stamp collector convention in Buffalo, NY. Another time, he used his mechanically operated “third hand” to strangle P.T. Barnum after he was not allowed entry into the “Carnival of Freaks and Deformed Personages That Will Beguile and Repulse You” because he didn’t have his ticket stub (which he said he lost on “a horseless carriage”). His scheming tactics also was put into play during the Teapot Dome scandal, when he convinced President Harding to appoint him to Secretary of the Interior in 1921 and, further, to rid the world of midgets which became a much-discussed Constitutional amendment that was repealed when many citizens cried foul. “We love our midgets,” was a common phrase heard in urban areas during the early 20s, as was “I want more hooch!”
Fall, in 1922, now had jurisdiction of the oil reserves, and a herpetology museum in Gary, Indiana. Fall quickly leased the rights to the oil to Sinclair Oil (not illegal) while concurrently leasing other oil reserves to Pan American Petroleum (not illegal). In return for leasing these oil fields to oil magnates, Fall received gifts totally $404,000, as well as a lifetime supply of Jim-Bob Gasser’s “Health Elixir,” which was illegal because of the money changing hands and because Jim-Bob’s elixir caused blindness and stunted legs in all those that imbibed in it.
The Wall Street Journal caught wind of these illegal activities and published a scathing account of the under-the-table oil deal. Fall denied everything (though he was now blind and had stunted legs). The Senate, however, under the watch of Democrat John Boy Walton, investigated further based on the information printed in the Wall Street Journal. They found government corruption and, later, Fall was found guilty of bribery in 1929, fined, and sentenced to a year in prison, making him the first cabinet member to go to prison for his actions in office. He was also the first cabinet member who was albino and the first to publicly announce that he enjoyed the folk songs of negro minstrels. It ruined the Harding Administration completely. Harding later died of a stroke and a heart attack and Crohn’s Disease. His wife was with him at his death bed drinking, ironically, tea.
TEA A MAGAZINE <[REDACTED]@teamag.com> wrote:
Dear Jonathan:
Thank you very much for your submission to TEA A MAGAZINE.
At this particular time we feel that we are unable to use your piece for publication and are therefore returning it to you.
We very much appreciate your interest in TEA A MAGAZINE.
Sincerely,
Jobina [REDACTED]
Assistant to the Editor
Tel: 860.456.11[REDACTED]1
www.teamag.com
Jonathan Shipley to TEA
Oh Jobina, Jobina, Jobina, you, and Tea A Magazine, don't know what you're missing! The story I wrote about the Teapot Dome Scandal is Pulitzer-Prize worthy journalism!! You, of all people, Jobina, should know that. What a shame. What a shame.
Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but due to the Freedom of Information Act, I got quite a lot of classified papers in regards to the Teapot Dome Scandal, including the following...
1) Warren Harding liked tacos
Aren't the readers of Tea A Magazine interested in learning vital information about dead, forgotten, ineffectual presidents? Vital information, about taco eating?!
Oh Jobina, Jobina, Jobina.
I'm in tears.
Jonathan S.
Vashon, WA
Discuss this article in the AmNerd Fora!
From: Jonathan Shipley To: [REDACTED]@teamag.com
Subject: Tea A Magazine (Submission)
Hello,
I am a drinker of tea. More than that, I appreciate all things tea-related, because it is a beverage of cultural significance in art, music, literature, history, and society. That is why I enjoy Tea A Magazine. Your current issue is well-written, informative, and makes me want to simply sit down in my breakfast nook, have a spot of tea, and read interesting articles like the piece on Charlotte's Tea House and the piece about the Tregothnan Tea Estate.
That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to print in a coming issue of Tea. Let me know either way.
Thank you for your time and efforts and have a marvelous day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
TEA A MAGAZINE SUBMISSION, by Jonathan Shipley
The Teapot Dome scandal rocked the administration of Warren G. Harding. The origins of the scandal date back to the popular conservation legislation of presidents Roosevelt, Taft, John Wayne, and Woodrow Wilson, and specifically, to the creation of naval petroleum reserves in Wyoming, California, and Six Flags Cincinnati.
Elk Hills and Buena Vista Hills in California, and Teapot Dome in Wyoming, were oil fields located on public land reserved for emergency use by the U.S. Navy and Humvee owners in Beverly Hills only when regular oil supplies diminished. Many politicians and private oil interests had opposed the restriction placed on the oil fields, and opposed Wiccans, claiming the oil reserves were unnecessary and the American oil companies, could provide for the Navy and Humvee owners in Beverly Hills.
One of the public officials most avidly opposed to the reserves was Senator Albert Fall, a Whig from Puerto Rico. Fall was no stranger to using underhanded tactics to get his way. Once, he slapped Abraham Lincoln’s son, Todd Lincoln, at a stamp collector convention in Buffalo, NY. Another time, he used his mechanically operated “third hand” to strangle P.T. Barnum after he was not allowed entry into the “Carnival of Freaks and Deformed Personages That Will Beguile and Repulse You” because he didn’t have his ticket stub (which he said he lost on “a horseless carriage”). His scheming tactics also was put into play during the Teapot Dome scandal, when he convinced President Harding to appoint him to Secretary of the Interior in 1921 and, further, to rid the world of midgets which became a much-discussed Constitutional amendment that was repealed when many citizens cried foul. “We love our midgets,” was a common phrase heard in urban areas during the early 20s, as was “I want more hooch!”
Fall, in 1922, now had jurisdiction of the oil reserves, and a herpetology museum in Gary, Indiana. Fall quickly leased the rights to the oil to Sinclair Oil (not illegal) while concurrently leasing other oil reserves to Pan American Petroleum (not illegal). In return for leasing these oil fields to oil magnates, Fall received gifts totally $404,000, as well as a lifetime supply of Jim-Bob Gasser’s “Health Elixir,” which was illegal because of the money changing hands and because Jim-Bob’s elixir caused blindness and stunted legs in all those that imbibed in it.
The Wall Street Journal caught wind of these illegal activities and published a scathing account of the under-the-table oil deal. Fall denied everything (though he was now blind and had stunted legs). The Senate, however, under the watch of Democrat John Boy Walton, investigated further based on the information printed in the Wall Street Journal. They found government corruption and, later, Fall was found guilty of bribery in 1929, fined, and sentenced to a year in prison, making him the first cabinet member to go to prison for his actions in office. He was also the first cabinet member who was albino and the first to publicly announce that he enjoyed the folk songs of negro minstrels. It ruined the Harding Administration completely. Harding later died of a stroke and a heart attack and Crohn’s Disease. His wife was with him at his death bed drinking, ironically, tea.
TEA A MAGAZINE <[REDACTED]@teamag.com> wrote:
Dear Jonathan:
Thank you very much for your submission to TEA A MAGAZINE.
At this particular time we feel that we are unable to use your piece for publication and are therefore returning it to you.
We very much appreciate your interest in TEA A MAGAZINE.
Sincerely,
Jobina [REDACTED]
Assistant to the Editor
Tel: 860.456.11[REDACTED]1
www.teamag.com
Jonathan Shipley to TEA
Oh Jobina, Jobina, Jobina, you, and Tea A Magazine, don't know what you're missing! The story I wrote about the Teapot Dome Scandal is Pulitzer-Prize worthy journalism!! You, of all people, Jobina, should know that. What a shame. What a shame.
Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but due to the Freedom of Information Act, I got quite a lot of classified papers in regards to the Teapot Dome Scandal, including the following...
1) Warren Harding liked tacos
Aren't the readers of Tea A Magazine interested in learning vital information about dead, forgotten, ineffectual presidents? Vital information, about taco eating?!
Oh Jobina, Jobina, Jobina.
I'm in tears.
Jonathan S.
Vashon, WA
Discuss this article in the AmNerd Fora!