In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.

From:Jonathan Shipley
To:[REDACTED]@strip-magazine.com
Subject:Strip Magazine (Submission)

Hello,

I've been in the strip club industry for forty one years. The club I own is in Dublin. I'm always busy and the women I recruit are always beautiful. That's because, in small part, I read Strip Magazine. What a well-written and informative publication! Your recent story "Lap-Dancers Hit Back at'Misguided' Ban" about the proposals to ban close-uplap dancing in Scotland was well done. Thanks for bringing that to my attention!

That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to use in a future issue of Strip Magazine. Let me know either way.

Thanks, and be sure to have a great day.

Jonathan Shipley
3 Camden Market, Grantham Street, Dublin 2

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STRIP MAGAZINE SUBMISSION

There’s a strip club near where I live. It’s called The Velvet Cavern. I live in an apartment in the city. I’m above a Chinese grocery store. Sometimes I go into the Chinese grocery store and buy the weird foods they have. I once tried alligator tongue. Tried that? I once tried chicory patties. Had one of those? I once ingested a warm paste made from something called “Kongkatu.” To this day I have no idea what it was, other than it was warm, and pasty.

I also live near a college that excels in regards to their English language courses. Many students, upon graduating from the Graduate School in Literature and/or Creative Writing, find that they are soon published authors and/or teaching at the college level. For instance, Clyde Van Swede is a recent graduate. His novel, Three Scrotum Sam, is a bestseller amongst the erotica reading crowd. Another instance of a graduate hitting it big is Daniel Wasserman, whose poetry collection, King Lear and the Honeydew Melons won the highly regarded Aili Nejom Poetry Prize.

The strip club has a marquee out front and every week they change the headline, something titillating, hoping to lure men into the strip club. Things like “Love is in the bare,” “An uplifting experience,” and the like. These attempts at luring the men are misguided. There are literate highly-intelligent college men walking around with college degrees. “Happy Spanksgiving” during the holidays is not going to get them through the doors!

Therefore, I’ve come up with several ideas to get a more literate crowd in the doors of the club.

1) The Old Man and the See
2) How Do You Like Our Trollops, Anthony!
3) The Prince and the Peeper
4) Victor’s Huge-O Upon Seeing Our Les Misses!
5) Rom-e-oh-oh-oh and Juliet
6) Our Girls Drive Oscar Wild
7) It’s Ulysses to Resist Us
8) A Tale of Two Titties

With these signs outside The Velvet Cavern, men are sure to enter the establishment to watch nude ladies strutting around. I’d certainly be aroused. I’m always aroused when I see ladies strutting around. Actually, I have a condition. I’m always aroused. I take pills.

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Strip-Magazine wrote:

Thanks for your nice words and e mail Jonathan, its a funny story you have written, but its to local that I can use it in the magazine. We need more news, interviews and uptodate articles. Also we need pictures to all articles.

I am having a great day and I hope you have one to.

Best regards
Magnus S [REDACTED]
Managing Director
Strip-Magazine.com

OSLO, Norway

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Jonathan Shipley to Strip-Magazine
Hi Magnus S. [REDACTED],

Thanks for the quick reply. I'm glad you enjoyed my note and submission. It's unfortunate that you won't be able to use it in your publication. And, believe me, there's nothing funny about having an erection all the time. For instance, when you're participating in a church service, and you're doing a reading from Leviticus, and you're in front of all the congregation (AND YOUR IN-LAWS), an erection is a terrible terrible thing!

In regards to photos, I've attached one for your edification.

In the meantime, I shall craft other news stories about the strip club industry and get them to you, or my name isn't Jonathan "Stiffy" Shipley!

Jonathan S.
Dublin, Ireland