3.20.06
Volume 2, Issue 8
How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless editor.
The Reject
Shakespeare Magazine
By Jonathan Shipley
In our newest ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.
From:
Jonathan Shipley
Hello,
I've been an English professor for eleven years. Nothing brings me greater joy than exposing kids to the greatest in literature, namely, the works of William Shakespeare. Your Shakespeare Magazine has helped me many times in creating stimulating lesson plans and simply illuminating me more about the greatest that is The Bard.
That said, I've attached a story that I hope will be printed in a future issue of Shakespeare Magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration and have a marvelous day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
SHAKESPEARE MAGAZINE SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley
A Review of “King Lear,” Performed by My Kid’s Seventh Grade Class
It sucked.
”King Lear,” generally regarded as one of Shakespeare’s greatest tragedies, was just that on stage. Horrible. An abomination! I can’t believe they would even stage something so repugnant to all the theatric senses. Of course the play begins with King Lear taking the decision to abdicate the throne and divide his kingdom equally among his three daughters: Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia. Stop right there. Why would King Lear (played by my son’s friend Travis as if King Lear was some sort of ADHD-addled autistic) give his kingdom to daughters who can’t even speak Shakespeare’s lines with the dignity it deserves?!
Goneril was played by this wheezy asthmatic named Gretchen Childress. It’s a wonder she can even walk and talk at the same time. I seriously think she’s missing a chromosome. She said "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is / To have a thankless child!" like she was in some sort of debilitating coma from watching too much of freakin’ Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Regan was played by Trish Remington. I wish I HAD a Remington because if I did I’d shoot myself in the head for having to hear her try and speak. Do they still even TEACH English at these schools? I don’t think Shakespeare’s original texts are peppered with “Uhhhs” and “Ummss.” Come on, Trish. JESUS!
Cordelia was almost good. Sara Mitchell said with much aplomb, "I cannot heave / My heart into my mouth: I love your majesty / According to my bond; nor more nor less.” The problem is that Sara is in a wheelchair because of the skiing accident and she’s also wearing head gear ALL THE TIME. Parents of Sara: You can let her take off her head gear sometimes! You want her to be the dorkiest kid on the planet? Because she is. She really really is.
My son played the King of France. The King of Crap is more like it. You should have seen him strut on stage like he was all that and then flub the line "Fairest Cordelia, that art most rich, being poor; / Most choice, forsaken; and most lov'd, despis'd! Thee and thy virtues here I seize upon.” He said “sneeze upon.” And then he laughed. Stupid kid, the King of France doesn’t laugh, particularly at sneezing. A beheading or something maybe, but a sneeze? Come on, son, get your freakin’ head in the game!
Anyway, I could go on and on about the travesty but it’s too depressing. "Sir, I love you more than words can wield the matter,” said Goneril. Well if you can’t speak the words, Goneril (GRETCHEN) than what the hell’s the point of the whole show? I’m ashamed of all of them.
Michael [redacted] (mike@[redacted].com) wrote:
I may be missing something, but is this supposed to be satirical?
Dearest Mr. [redacted],
I WISH it was a satire, but, unfortunately, my son's class turned one of Shakespeare's most beloved tragedies into a ridiculous comedy. I hope he does better in future productions. In fact, he's playing the role of Prospero in "The Tempest" this next quarter. He's excited about reciting the famous line, "We are such stuff as dreams are made on." I'm dreaming, hoping, wishing, that he gets his act together this time and actually be a valid member of the theatrical arts rather than simply a moronic simpleton who recites Shakespeare as well as a toad. If he can't do better than he did with "King Lear," by God, I'm going to ground him for a month!
Jonathan S.
Michael [redacted] (mike@[redacted].com) wrote:
They are only in 7th grade, for god’s sake. I think Lear is not appropriate for that age, but why criticize the kids?
Dear Mr. [redacted],
Let me apologize, first of all. I'm sorry you've taken offense and don't agree with my stance in regards to "tough love" when it comes to theatrical performances. It's just the way I was brought up I guess (my parents, both ardent members of anti-fascist acting troupes in London during the 1940s, have since deceased in a zeppelin accident, God rest their souls, taught me the value of hard work under the theatric spotlight using unusual methods).
I digress.
My point is, I think it paramount we teach these kids, really teach them, what makes art so great, what makes art valuable to each of us each and every single day. Art is as close Heaven as I know. And, honestly, these kids shouldn't putz about as if its just another THING they have to do, keeping them away from the latest "I Know What You Did Last Summer" movie (!) at the local cineplex, because, honestly, Shakespeare deserves more than that.
In seventh grade I was in a production of "The Merchant of Venice." I played Shylock. I got an agent because of that part. When I said, "I would not have given it for a wilderness of monkeys," I heard gasps in the audience. Gasps because of the skill in which I said it. There is a certain way one has to say the word "monkey" in that scene, and I nailed it!
Honestly, that moment, the moment I said the word "monkey," was one of the most exhilerating moments of my life. I can't describe it. I've since played Shylock numerous times (the last time for the Kalamazoo Dinner Theatre, June '05) but that phrase, "I would not have given it for a wilderness of monkeys," I have never uttered the same, or as good, as I did in that 7th grade production. I can't even go to the zoo looking at monkeys without thinking of that opening night so very many moons ago!
I simply just hope my son finds Shakespeare as valuable to our world as I do. The Bard is much more important than the latest Bones-Thugs-N-Harmony song (my son's musical tastes are troubling, to say the least), I'll tell you that right now!
Again, thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration. I appreciate you. I know you love the works of Shakespeare as much as I do and just like we need Shakespeare Magazine (DO WE EVER!) we need an upholding of all the Shakespeare stands for. I'm standing.
God Bless and Good Luck!
JAS
From:
Jonathan ShipleyHello,
I've been an English professor for eleven years. Nothing brings me greater joy than exposing kids to the greatest in literature, namely, the works of William Shakespeare. Your Shakespeare Magazine has helped me many times in creating stimulating lesson plans and simply illuminating me more about the greatest that is The Bard.
That said, I've attached a story that I hope will be printed in a future issue of Shakespeare Magazine.
Thank you for your time and consideration and have a marvelous day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
SHAKESPEARE MAGAZINE SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley
A Review of “King Lear,” Performed by My Kid’s Seventh Grade Class
It sucked.
”King Lear,” generally regarded as one of Shakespeare’s greatest tragedies, was just that on stage. Horrible. An abomination! I can’t believe they would even stage something so repugnant to all the theatric senses. Of course the play begins with King Lear taking the decision to abdicate the throne and divide his kingdom equally among his three daughters: Goneril, Regan, and Cordelia. Stop right there. Why would King Lear (played by my son’s friend Travis as if King Lear was some sort of ADHD-addled autistic) give his kingdom to daughters who can’t even speak Shakespeare’s lines with the dignity it deserves?!
Goneril was played by this wheezy asthmatic named Gretchen Childress. It’s a wonder she can even walk and talk at the same time. I seriously think she’s missing a chromosome. She said "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is / To have a thankless child!" like she was in some sort of debilitating coma from watching too much of freakin’ Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Regan was played by Trish Remington. I wish I HAD a Remington because if I did I’d shoot myself in the head for having to hear her try and speak. Do they still even TEACH English at these schools? I don’t think Shakespeare’s original texts are peppered with “Uhhhs” and “Ummss.” Come on, Trish. JESUS!
Cordelia was almost good. Sara Mitchell said with much aplomb, "I cannot heave / My heart into my mouth: I love your majesty / According to my bond; nor more nor less.” The problem is that Sara is in a wheelchair because of the skiing accident and she’s also wearing head gear ALL THE TIME. Parents of Sara: You can let her take off her head gear sometimes! You want her to be the dorkiest kid on the planet? Because she is. She really really is.
My son played the King of France. The King of Crap is more like it. You should have seen him strut on stage like he was all that and then flub the line "Fairest Cordelia, that art most rich, being poor; / Most choice, forsaken; and most lov'd, despis'd! Thee and thy virtues here I seize upon.” He said “sneeze upon.” And then he laughed. Stupid kid, the King of France doesn’t laugh, particularly at sneezing. A beheading or something maybe, but a sneeze? Come on, son, get your freakin’ head in the game!
Anyway, I could go on and on about the travesty but it’s too depressing. "Sir, I love you more than words can wield the matter,” said Goneril. Well if you can’t speak the words, Goneril (GRETCHEN) than what the hell’s the point of the whole show? I’m ashamed of all of them.
Michael [redacted] (mike@[redacted].com) wrote:
I may be missing something, but is this supposed to be satirical?
Dearest Mr. [redacted],
I WISH it was a satire, but, unfortunately, my son's class turned one of Shakespeare's most beloved tragedies into a ridiculous comedy. I hope he does better in future productions. In fact, he's playing the role of Prospero in "The Tempest" this next quarter. He's excited about reciting the famous line, "We are such stuff as dreams are made on." I'm dreaming, hoping, wishing, that he gets his act together this time and actually be a valid member of the theatrical arts rather than simply a moronic simpleton who recites Shakespeare as well as a toad. If he can't do better than he did with "King Lear," by God, I'm going to ground him for a month!
Jonathan S.
Michael [redacted] (mike@[redacted].com) wrote:
They are only in 7th grade, for god’s sake. I think Lear is not appropriate for that age, but why criticize the kids?
Dear Mr. [redacted],
Let me apologize, first of all. I'm sorry you've taken offense and don't agree with my stance in regards to "tough love" when it comes to theatrical performances. It's just the way I was brought up I guess (my parents, both ardent members of anti-fascist acting troupes in London during the 1940s, have since deceased in a zeppelin accident, God rest their souls, taught me the value of hard work under the theatric spotlight using unusual methods).
I digress.
My point is, I think it paramount we teach these kids, really teach them, what makes art so great, what makes art valuable to each of us each and every single day. Art is as close Heaven as I know. And, honestly, these kids shouldn't putz about as if its just another THING they have to do, keeping them away from the latest "I Know What You Did Last Summer" movie (!) at the local cineplex, because, honestly, Shakespeare deserves more than that.
In seventh grade I was in a production of "The Merchant of Venice." I played Shylock. I got an agent because of that part. When I said, "I would not have given it for a wilderness of monkeys," I heard gasps in the audience. Gasps because of the skill in which I said it. There is a certain way one has to say the word "monkey" in that scene, and I nailed it!
Honestly, that moment, the moment I said the word "monkey," was one of the most exhilerating moments of my life. I can't describe it. I've since played Shylock numerous times (the last time for the Kalamazoo Dinner Theatre, June '05) but that phrase, "I would not have given it for a wilderness of monkeys," I have never uttered the same, or as good, as I did in that 7th grade production. I can't even go to the zoo looking at monkeys without thinking of that opening night so very many moons ago!
I simply just hope my son finds Shakespeare as valuable to our world as I do. The Bard is much more important than the latest Bones-Thugs-N-Harmony song (my son's musical tastes are troubling, to say the least), I'll tell you that right now!
Again, thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration. I appreciate you. I know you love the works of Shakespeare as much as I do and just like we need Shakespeare Magazine (DO WE EVER!) we need an upholding of all the Shakespeare stands for. I'm standing.
God Bless and Good Luck!
JAS