In our newest ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.

Editor's note: last week, we ran Dr. Shipley's rejection from the NEJM under the assumption that the matter had played itself out. Shockingly, that turned out not to be the case, leaving us with our first 2-Part Reject.

We are also shocked at what good sports the editors at NEJM are, or at least one of them.

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"[REDACTED], Aili" wrote:

Dr. Shipley,

I must apologize for my delay in responding. I was out sick yesterday and have been frantically trying to catch up today. It is difficult to maintain the high level of service to which the NEJM editors and authors are accustomed when one feels as if a baby alien is about to crawl out of one's pulmonary cavity.

As for details about Mr. Accessory Scrotum, I can only say that your assumptions are correct. You can learn more about this unfortunate condition by visiting the website of the National Library of Medicine, and searching for the string "accessory scrotum." I cannot, in good faith, give you further details about my lost love. We are attempting to remain friends and my hope is that one day we will look back on the shattered remains of our relationship with laughter, and not with mild nausea.

But back to the task at hand: I am embarrassed to say that it becomes harder and harder for me to deny my feelings for you. I am so warmed by the poems you wrote... or maybe that is just the low-grade fever I have been running all day. In any case, I would very much like to respond in kind; however I have never written a sestina and thus must spend more time on it than my job allows. It will be forthcoming, I pledge, in a future email.

In the meantime, I have attached another of my creative endeavors, in the hopes that you will cease to see me simply as the polite face of a world-reknowned academic journal, and instead as a vibrant individual who hopes to aid your success in any way I can.

Sincerely yours,

Aili

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Aili [REDACTED]
Senior Editorial Assistant
New England Journal of Medicine

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Jonathan Shipley wrote:

Dearest Aili,

What welcomed news that you've taken a liking to me! I am so happy of how things are developing! I would stand on the rooftops and sing praises except that my goiter is actually beginning to constrict my windpipe. It's starting to unsettle me, to be sure.

Before we 'get to the next level,' as it were, perhaps you should know a little something more about me...

About Me, Dr. Jonathan Shipley

First Name - Sue (I go by my middle name Jonathan. My father had a thing for Johnny Cash and thought it'd be funny if he named me Sue. He was a nasty, horrible man. He beat me regularly with widdling sticks. He was a good widdler. He won many ribbons at the county fair.)
Marital Type - Single, Never Married (though I'm looking for the perfect gal!)
Body Type - Fit (minus the rhoids, goiter, headaches, nausea, and stunted left leg).
Height - 6'1"
Weight - 175 pounds
Ethnicity - Melting pot. My mother was Korean-Scottish. My father was Ukrainian-Maasai.
Sense of Humor - None. Honestly, with the world as it is, how can one laugh at it? The atrocities of war, poverty, homelessness, the environment, Katie Couric, etc.
TV Watching - "Flipper," "CHIPS," "Hill Street Blues," "Blue's Clues."
Smoking - Don't smoke. My father smoked and look how he turned out. He turned out to be an accomplished widdler, but still.
Drinking - I drink. You can't survive without ingesting liquids. Any good doctor could tell you that!
Living Situation - With parents. They need constant care. My father has MSUD (Maple Syrup Urine Disease). Working for the journal you know how debilitating it can be when you're inable to metabolize the branched-chain amino acids leucine, isoleucine, and valine. My mother has mental problems.

She thinks she's Sidney Poitier.

Employment Status - Endocrinologist of the Stars.
Political Views - Whig.
Astrological Sign - Libra.
Interests - Ferry boats, pipe organs, black and white photography, roller derby, the Impressionists, barbershop quartets, a free and independent Basque country in northern Spain, operettas, Bob Saget.

I hope this presents a clearer picture of who I am. Perhaps you have similar interests! Perhaps, not to rush things, we could go to a show! In fact, I'm beginning the composition of an operetta. It's a musical full of whimsy based on my travels with my urologist friend, Brian Gill, and his colleague Christian Skoorsmith, a patient of Brian's who is the last living castrato singers in the world. Hear him sing selections of "Madama Butterfly" and you'll be amazed.

I look forward to reading your poetry compositions. This weekend I began composing a rondel for you but I'm having a hard time finding rhymes for Aili [REDACTED, but sort of rhymes with a type of melon that the editor for some reason remembers Foghorn Leghorn always talking about].

Until I Hear From You Again,

Dr. Jonathan S.

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Dear Aili,

I fear I have said to much. No word from you in a week! How sad. Our friendship was just blossoming, at least I thought so, but no word in a week! Was I too forward? I like you. That must be it, I was too forward. Is it because I like pipe organs? I can't help it! My grandmother, Flora, always played her pipe organ when we went for the holidays. Christmas isn't Christmas without Flora at the pipe organ. Is it becuse I'm a card-carrying member of the Whig Party? Oh, if I only knew. If I knew I could change. I CAN CHANGE! I KNOW I CAN CHANGE!

My goiter has diminished, slightly. I think it's because of a diet I'm on. My rhoids are still pretty bad though. I think it's because of a diet I'm on.

I should let you know that I've, it's hard for me to say this to you, but I've met someone at the hospital. It's just been a couple of cups of decaf coffee in the hospital lunchroom, but I think it might lead to "the next level." Her name is Ramona Ganderling. She's in room 236. She's hydrocephalitic.Yes, her skull is abnormally enlarged and her brain has atrophied, but she's really friendly and if you take away the abnormally large head, she's a looker!

Anyway, dear Aili, hopefully I'll hear from you soon about your life and your search for love, particularly a love that doesn't have three scrotums. Until then, happy Easter. Attached you'll find a picture of me (pre-goiter) from last Easter.

Dr. Jonathan Shipley
Endocrinologist