In our newest ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.

From: Jonathan Shipley
Sent: Wednesday, April 05, 2006 1:32 PM
To: NEJM Editorial
Subject: New England Journal of Medicine (Ed Submission)

Hello,

I've been an endocrinologist for eleven years. Focusing my attentions on the body's "ductless" glands and how they function has been very rewarding. I've been working primarily on the thyroid gland amongst diabetics and it is challenging but worth every moment I spend studying it.

Reading the New England Journal of Medicine is also rewarding and I enjoy studying it as well. Your recent articles "Bilateral Renal-Vein Thrombosis Associated with the Nephritic Syndrome" by S. Phonsomblat and M.L Stroller and "Mechanisms of Disease: Hereditary Proteinuria Syndromes and Mechanisms of Proteinuria" by K. Tryggvason, J. Patrakka, and J. Wartiovaara was amazingly well-written and well-researched.

Attached, please find my submission in hopes that it'll be published in a coming issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. Let me know either way.

Thank you for your time and consideration and have a marvelous day.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA

---

NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE SUBMISSION
By Jonathan Shipley

Geez, I’m a wreck. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Can you help? A tally of physical ailments and stuff from head to toe (jam).

My Head:
It hurts. I listen to Bones-Thugs-N-Harmony on my IPod really loud. Would that have anything to do with it? I don’t know. I take aspirin sometimes. Bizzy Bone is my favorite rapper. Have you heard him in “Budsmokers Only”? It rules. “Make up the dummy to make up me money, weed run me/and headed for broke, smokin’ the bong/Hit tha bong wrong, make me cough and choke/To the real OT’s loc strong BONE/I gonna C note to toke on, so choke on/And holdin’ the smoke ‘til it’s gone, real long and stay blown.” I’m telling you, Bizzy Bone blows me away!

My neck:
I’ve got a goiter. It’s really showing. Turtlenecks don’t help. I can’t find any honeys at the club because of it. It’s gross. What do I do? Pop and drain it like my zits?

My heart:
It beats really weird after I eat a lot of peanut butter. Normal?

My belly button:
I got it pierced. It’s got some serious bling bling. However, it’s infected. The pustules aren’t supposed to spread, right?

My posterior:
Creams and pads don’t work for the burning and itching. Is there a more homeopathic approach? Baking soda and water goes for bee stings, I know. Something like that? I bet Bizzy Bone would TOTALLY make fun of me if he knew I had hemorrhoids.

My legs:
I can’t dunk the ball no more. What up with that? I have no body fat. I’m a triathlete. I should be able to spring, baby! What’s up with that?

My feet:
The aforementioned toe jam. Grody!

Any help you could give me would be appreciated. Especially in regards to the goiter ‘cause I need to meet me some honeys. Seriously, babes won’t even LOOK at a guy with a goiter, and rhoids.

---

NEJM Editorial editorial@[REDACTED] wrote:
Dr. Shipley,

We require that all manuscripts be submitted via our website: http://authors.nejm.org, under "Submit a New Manuscript." (You could call your article an "Occasional Note" or maybe a "Perspective.") This will ensure that it gets to the editors in the most efficient manner. What they will do with it is anyone's guess.

Thanks for your interest, and good luck with your many terrible ailments. I can only speak for myself, but it's true -- I probably would not date a dude with a goiter.

Sincerely yours,

Aili [REDACTED]
Senior Editorial Assistant

---

From: Jonathan Shipley
Sent: Wednesday, April 05, 2006 3:40 PM
To: NEJM Editorial
Subject: Re: FW: New England Journal of Medicine (Ed Submission)
Dearest Aili [REDACTED],
Thank you for your quick reply in regards to my submission. Believe me - I wish I didn't have the ailments I wrote about in my thought-provoking and inspired essay. And thanks for your honesty in regards to my goiter problem. If I had three wishes from a genie two of them would be to wish my goiter goodbye. The other would be for all-you-can-eat Hostess cakes, or maybe a catamaran.

You wrote, "I probably would not date a dude with a goiter." Fair enough. But let's say, for the sake of argument, that my goiter diminished and my neck was normal again. Would you maybe want to go out with me? I'm usually not this forward but I feel a kinship with you and thought that I'd ask. Perhaps we can meet up at the hospital cafeteria for some meatloaf?

Attached is a picture of me (pre-goiter) taken recently.

Interested?

Dr. Jonathan Shipley

---

[REDACTED], Aili wrote:
Dr. Shipley,

Certainly if I had one wish it would be for your paper to be published in a future issue of the New England Journal of Medicine. However, please understand that our audience is primarily practicing clinicians in search of current medical reporting; though we occasionally publish personal essays (and even poetry!), we have a limited amount of space to devote to these pursuits. Again, if you wish to submit your manuscript formally, it will be necessary for you to do so via our website. The editors will respond as soon as possible.

I do not want to presume that your goiter, or your hemorrhoids, are easily cured using normal means. Having been in endocrinology research for 11 years you must have researched all available treatments -- perhaps at the University of Washington, which has an excellent medical program. But I know that even doctors can be reluctant to come forward with embarrassing medical ailments. It takes a lot of guts for you to bring your story to the Journal. Therefore, I've attached a recent article from our Clinical Practice series, which I hope will be of use to you. If your goiter is of unknown origin, I wonder if you might consider submitting a photograph of it to our "Images in Clinical Medicine" series? ICMs are quite popular with our readers, and they are fully indexed as publications.

I must say I am flattered that you feel a kinship with me. But, confidentially, I have been burned before by online relationships, and, as our President once declared, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." At least you are quite open with your physical deformities. This puts you one up only ex, who my friends have dubbed "Mr. Accessory Scrotum." Approximately how big is your goiter, currently? Do you think its size would preclude necking?

Thank you again for your interest in the Journal.

Sincerely yours,

Aili
---
Aili [REDACTED]
Senior Editorial Assistant
The New England Journal of Medicine

---

Jonathan Shipley to Aili
Dearest Ms. [REDACTED],

I appreciate your candor and warmth. Your words bring me joy amidst my terrible sufferings, i.e. the goiter/hemorrhoid "double doozy." Believe me, I have tried everything within Western medicine to cure them. Ointments, suppositories, sitz baths! Yes, even sitz baths. The rhoids are stubborn, Aili, yes, oh so stubborn. Being a doctor, I know how important it is to seek medical help when the body falters but rhoids are so personal! I don't want a coworker performing a rhoid operation on me. What'll he tell his spouse when he goes home for the day? "Honey, guess who I operated on today!" Then they'd laugh about me during supper. And how could I show my face the next day? "Hello, Dr. Vernon. Thanks for clearing up my rhoid problem." No, no, that won't do!

As for the goiter, yikes, it gets bigger by the day! I can't tell you how many times I've gone through levothyroxine suppressive therapy. Alas, it returns, the goiter, with a vengeance! Fine, I said, to my goiter, off to Canada for an ethanol infusion into my benign thyroid nodules! Yes, I KNOW it's not been approved in the United States, but I'm getting desperate.

As for desperation, I apologize for being so forthcoming in my feelings for you. I was being rash. I was completely out of line! I apologize. I don't know if you're even seeing anyone!... .Are you? I'm glad I have been more honest and trusting with you that with your ex, Mr. Accessory Scrotum. If I may be so bold, why the nickname? Did he have three scrotums? My good friend, Dr. Brian Gill, is a urologist hereon staff. He'd be interested in learning more about a three scrotumed man.

So, again, apologies for being so forthright in my feelings. And yet I would be remiss to tell you that the more we communicate via eletronic mail, the more I feel a connection with you. You say that the New England Journal of Medicine sometimes publishes poetry. Last night, I composed some haiku poems with you in mind. A couple are below for your edification...

Dastardly goiter
Toxins leave my body now!
I want to look good

Sitting hurts me now
But to sit with her would be
nice, like Hostess cakes

Who said of love best?
Bones-Thugs-And-Harmony did
Rap, rap, goes my heart

Do you think they have a chance to be published? Perhaps not in your magazine, but maybe a prestigious haiku magazine? There are many out there, I know. I love haiku.

As for getting published in your journal, I shall use the avenues you suggest in getting my work published in the prestigious periodical. Perhaps the fine editors there will see fit to print it and see the heart, warmth, and "confessionalistic" bent to my piece that you have.

Until I Hear From You Again,

Dr. Jonathan Shipley

P.S. Necking is definitely out of the question. But perhaps we could go to a movie? Oh, there I go again. Cupid's arrows are dangerous things!

Holy crap, there's a part 2!