7.10.06
Volume 2, Issue 20
I mean, it's not that we didn't like it...
The Reject
Natural History Magazine
By Jonathan Shipley
In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.
From: Jonathan Shipley
To: nhmag@[REDACTED].com
Hello,
I've been a curator at a history museum for eighteen years and I have always been fascinated by history (both cultural human history and the history of the natural world). I'd be just as interested in reading about the Teapot Dome Scandal as reading about the evolution of lemurs in Madagascar.
That said, Natural History Magazine is something I must read each and every issue. It is thoughtful, well-written, and just plain interesting. Your latest feature story, "Cooking the Climate with Coal," by Jeff Goodell was a great piece of journalism.
Attached please find a story I hope you'll be able to include in a coming issue of Natural History Magazine. Let me know either way.
Thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration and have a great day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon WA
NATURAL HISTORY MAGAZINE SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley
An enormous carnivorous dinosaur was hungry. He roared through the marshy grasslands looking for prey. There, near the water’s edge, was a protosaurolophus, one of the crested duckbill dinosaurs. He was busy drinking when the carnivorous beast got up to him. ”ARRGGH!” The dinosaur growled hungrily.
”AAAAHHH!” The protosaurolophus said with fear. “Don’t eat me!”
”Then answer me this,” The angry dinosaur said. “Three cannibals and three anthropologists have to cross a river. The boat they have is only big enough for two people. The cannibals will do as requested, with one exception. If at any point in time there are more cannibals on one side of the river than anthropologists, the cannibals will eat them. What plan can the anthropologists use for crossing the river so they don’t get eaten?”
”I don’t know!” The protosaurolophus said. “My brain is the size of a walnut!”
“ARRGGHHH!” The dinosaur said, and then ate the protosaurolophus. He was still hungry though so he loped across the marsh to a glen where he spotted a sleeping thescelosaurus.
“ARRRGGHHH!”
”Yikes!” The thescelosaurus said. “Don’t eat me!”
”Then answer me this,” the angry dinosaur said. “In your sock drawer, you have a ratio of 5 pairs of blue socks, 4 pairs of brown socks, and 6 pairs of black socks. In complete darkness, how many socks would you need to pull out to get a matching pair of the same color?”
”I don’t know! For one thing I don’t wear socks! I’m a thescelosaurus! I don’t know!”
”ARRRGGHHH!” The hungry dinosaur said, and then ate the thescelosaurus. Still hungry he charged across the glen to the river’s edge where, wading was a centrosaurus. “ARRGGHHH!”
”Holy moly!” The centrosaurus said with fear in his voice. “Don’t eat me!”
”Then answer me this,” the angry dinosaur said. “Two planes take off at the same exact moment. They are flying across the Atlantic. One leaves New York and is flying to Paris at 500 miles per hour. The other leaves Paris and is flying to New York at only 450 miles per hour because of a strong head wind. Which one will be closer to Paris when they meet?”
”This is crazy! Airplanes aren’t invented for millions of years! We’re dinosaurs! And my brain is the size of a snow pea! What kind of evil dinosaur are to ask such questions?!”
”A tyrannosaurus vex.”
Natural History Magazine [nhmag@[REDACTED].com] wrote:
Dear Mr. Shipley,
My colleagues and I have now spent some time with the article proposal you submitted to Natural History. Regretfully, we have come to the conclusion that it is not suited to our current needs. The reason is simply that we have such an enormous territory of science and natural history to cover that at any one time we have before us a large number of possibilities for good articles. This of course requires us to make some hard decisions. We sometimes feel that we could fill several magazines with good articles!
We must thus decline your generous offer. It was nonetheless good of you to think of us in this connection.
Sincerely,
Peter G. [REDACTED]
Editor-in-Chief
Jonathan Shipley to Natural History Magazine
Dear Mr. Peter [REDACTED],
I just want to thank you, as Editor-in-Chief of a truly splendid publication, for giving my informative, well-written, inspiring piece about enormous, philosophic, carnivorous,. hungry dinosaurs your deepest consideration. I also want to thank your colleagues. Are they there right now? Thank them. Maybe they're at lunch. If that's the case, don't bother. Where do you think they're going to lunch? Do you have a Mexican restaurant nearby? I like tacos.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
From: Jonathan Shipley To: nhmag@[REDACTED].com
Hello,
I've been a curator at a history museum for eighteen years and I have always been fascinated by history (both cultural human history and the history of the natural world). I'd be just as interested in reading about the Teapot Dome Scandal as reading about the evolution of lemurs in Madagascar.
That said, Natural History Magazine is something I must read each and every issue. It is thoughtful, well-written, and just plain interesting. Your latest feature story, "Cooking the Climate with Coal," by Jeff Goodell was a great piece of journalism.
Attached please find a story I hope you'll be able to include in a coming issue of Natural History Magazine. Let me know either way.
Thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration and have a great day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon WA
NATURAL HISTORY MAGAZINE SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley
An enormous carnivorous dinosaur was hungry. He roared through the marshy grasslands looking for prey. There, near the water’s edge, was a protosaurolophus, one of the crested duckbill dinosaurs. He was busy drinking when the carnivorous beast got up to him. ”ARRGGH!” The dinosaur growled hungrily.
”AAAAHHH!” The protosaurolophus said with fear. “Don’t eat me!”
”Then answer me this,” The angry dinosaur said. “Three cannibals and three anthropologists have to cross a river. The boat they have is only big enough for two people. The cannibals will do as requested, with one exception. If at any point in time there are more cannibals on one side of the river than anthropologists, the cannibals will eat them. What plan can the anthropologists use for crossing the river so they don’t get eaten?”
”I don’t know!” The protosaurolophus said. “My brain is the size of a walnut!”
“ARRGGHHH!” The dinosaur said, and then ate the protosaurolophus. He was still hungry though so he loped across the marsh to a glen where he spotted a sleeping thescelosaurus.
“ARRRGGHHH!”
”Yikes!” The thescelosaurus said. “Don’t eat me!”
”Then answer me this,” the angry dinosaur said. “In your sock drawer, you have a ratio of 5 pairs of blue socks, 4 pairs of brown socks, and 6 pairs of black socks. In complete darkness, how many socks would you need to pull out to get a matching pair of the same color?”
”I don’t know! For one thing I don’t wear socks! I’m a thescelosaurus! I don’t know!”
”ARRRGGHHH!” The hungry dinosaur said, and then ate the thescelosaurus. Still hungry he charged across the glen to the river’s edge where, wading was a centrosaurus. “ARRGGHHH!”
”Holy moly!” The centrosaurus said with fear in his voice. “Don’t eat me!”
”Then answer me this,” the angry dinosaur said. “Two planes take off at the same exact moment. They are flying across the Atlantic. One leaves New York and is flying to Paris at 500 miles per hour. The other leaves Paris and is flying to New York at only 450 miles per hour because of a strong head wind. Which one will be closer to Paris when they meet?”
”This is crazy! Airplanes aren’t invented for millions of years! We’re dinosaurs! And my brain is the size of a snow pea! What kind of evil dinosaur are to ask such questions?!”
”A tyrannosaurus vex.”
Natural History Magazine [nhmag@[REDACTED].com] wrote:
Dear Mr. Shipley,
My colleagues and I have now spent some time with the article proposal you submitted to Natural History. Regretfully, we have come to the conclusion that it is not suited to our current needs. The reason is simply that we have such an enormous territory of science and natural history to cover that at any one time we have before us a large number of possibilities for good articles. This of course requires us to make some hard decisions. We sometimes feel that we could fill several magazines with good articles!
We must thus decline your generous offer. It was nonetheless good of you to think of us in this connection.
Sincerely,
Peter G. [REDACTED]
Editor-in-Chief
Jonathan Shipley to Natural History Magazine
Dear Mr. Peter [REDACTED],
I just want to thank you, as Editor-in-Chief of a truly splendid publication, for giving my informative, well-written, inspiring piece about enormous, philosophic, carnivorous,. hungry dinosaurs your deepest consideration. I also want to thank your colleagues. Are they there right now? Thank them. Maybe they're at lunch. If that's the case, don't bother. Where do you think they're going to lunch? Do you have a Mexican restaurant nearby? I like tacos.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA