In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.

From: Jonathan Shipley
To: [REDACTED] @kzoo.edu
Subject: LuxEsto Submission (Class Notes)

Hello,

I've read every issue of LuxEsto ever since I graduated from Kalamazoo College and yet this is my first time writing. Thank you for all you do. Being an alumnus of such a prestigious university like Kalamazoo College is one thing. Reading about how great the college is in each issue of LuxEsto is something else, like a cherry on top of ice cream!

That said, I've attached my class notes submission, letting everyone there know what I've been up to as of late. I hope my notes will be included in a future issue of LuxEsto.

Thank you for your time and efforts. Let me know if there's anything else you need from me.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA

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LuxEsto Submission
By Jonathan Shipley

Having graduated from Kalamazoo College in 1995 with a degree in engineering, I immediately started working for an architectural firm in Gary, Indiana. However, the work left me feeling empty. How was helping create a Big Lots! in a strip mall helping anyone? Where was the self-fulfillment? Where was the joy? Where was God? He wasn’t with me and so I have since become a priest. I live on a small island in the state of Washington and my days and nights are filled with the Lord Jesus Christ our Savior spreading His Love to all.

Having taken a vow to God our Everlasting Creator, I have some confessions to make to my old stomping grounds at Kalamazoo College.

1)Professor Barclay, I cheated on a couple of tests in your “Revolutions in Modern Europe” freshman seminar. I chock it up to being a stupid Freshman, just a boy. I didn’t know Jesus then. Sorry.

2)I once urinated in the lobby of the Hoben Residence Hall. I chock it up to being drunk on Pabst Blue Ribbon. Underage drinking is unhealthy and against the law. God will smite underage drinkers.

3)Rebecca, I cheated on you with Desiree after her stunning performance in Taming of the Shrew at the Nelda Balch Playhouse. Playhouse is right. My carnal desires got the better of me, I’m afraid. Now with my dedication to God, I don’t even think about hanky panky.

4)To the staff of Cauldron, the literary magazine there on campus. I didn’t right those poems. I swiped them from “The Collected Works of Robert Browning.” I’m surprised no one noticed.

5)To the Kalamazoo College Fighting Hornet Band – I don’t know how to read music. I don’t even know how to put that trombone I played together. Didn’t you ever notice that I never put my horn in my case? Didn’t you ever notice that I never moved that infernal trombone slide?

6)I never recycled.

7)I downloaded pornography at the Upjohn Library.

8)For those wondering how that room in the Dow Science Center smoldered it was because of me. I was using the Bunsen burner to do drugs. Doing drugs is unhealthy and against the law. God will smite drug users.

9)At Chapel, I took more bloods of Christ than I should have. I just wanted that taste of wine in my mouth. I was an alcoholic. God smites alcoholics.

10)That piece I did for the art show, Bananas Following the Man from Israel, had some cat feces on it that I procured out of my roommate’s cat’s kitty litter box. Disgusting! It disgusts me that I would do such a thing! I’m surprised I wasn’t smited right then and there.

Thank you. I feel so much better getting all of that off my chest. God forgives me, I know he does. God forgives. God loves.

GOD BLESS!

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Hi Jonathan:

I'm glad you enjoy LuxEsto. And I found your class note very interesting; though I must confess I'm somewhat unsure if it's tongue-in-cheek or accurate. Kalamazoo College confers no degrees in engineering; nor could I find your name in the database of 1995 graduates.

That said, maybe the database is incorrect (I'll need your help to verify that). If that turns out to be the case, the magazine will run a portion of your class note - that part that talks about your career change from architecture to the priesthood (would you want to include mention of what kind of priest, Catholic? Episcopal?, or where you attended seminary?). Perhaps the confessions are best shared by you directly with those most affected, i.e. Barclay, et. al. I'm not inclined to publish those. If you want to discuss this with me, feel free to call me at [REDACTED].

Best regards,
Jim [REDACTED] '73

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Jonathan Shipley
to James
Dear Mr. [REDACTED],

Thank you for your quick and thoughtful reply. Perhaps it is best that you don't highlight my transgressions during my time there at Kalamazoo College in LuxEsto. It's something I am not proud of and yet I feel good in telling someone, namely, you.

Thank you for letting me unburden myself. God is smiling down on you.

Did I say engineering? I'm sorry, I don't know where my head is at sometimes (except high in the clouds with God, Our Lord Savior!). I meant English. Oh, how inspiring it was to take courses from Professor Griffin. I wonder if she still remembers me, sitting in the back of her class, reading and rereading Dante. I loved, and still love, Dante's work, don't you? Of course, I DID plagiarize during my days there at school, truly sinful, as you now know through my earlier correspondence, but often times I would write my own creative works in English class, including many hymns, due to my burgeoning interest in Jesus and his teachings. One of my favorite hymns I wrote, still sung often at church gatherings here, is "Nail Me to Your Love, Oh Lord." I can pass along the lyrics to you if you'd like.

I went to Westminster Theological Seminary (http://www.wts.edu/) in Glenside, PA. The school is committed to the historic Reformed faith in the Presbyterian tradition and I couldn't be more honored than to have studied there.

Thank you again for your time and efforts and let the Everlasting Joy of Our Lord God lead your way.

JAS