In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.

From: Jonathan Shipley
To: [REDACTED]@fireworks-mag.org
Subject: Fireworks Mag (Submission)

Hello,

I've been a fireworks enthusiast since I was a tot. I've always enjoyed watching fireworks, collecting fireworks memorabilia, and creating displays for the small town I live in for summer holidays. I also am quite enthused with the great publication, Fireworks Magazine. Your recent story on the history of Brock's Crystal Palace displays was informative and well-written!

That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to print in a coming issue of Fireworks Magazine. Let me know either way!

Thanks, and have a marvelous day.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon WA
USA

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FIREWORKS MAGAZINE SUBMISSION, by Jonathan Shipley

I’m writing this from juvenile hall. I wished I wasn’t. Have you ever been in juvie? It’s a prison for us underaged hoodlums! Holy cow, I wish, I WISH, I could turn back time and do it all over again. For one thing, I was just joking, goofing off. For another, I didn’t expect to send my friend, Stewie Van Swede, to the hospital, AND FOR SO LONG! I mean, holy cow! But now I’m paying for my sins, my transgressions, and, honestly, I deserve it. If I could trade places with Stewie Van Swede, I would. Well, maybe not. He’s pretty messed up. What happened? Well, like I said, I’m not proud of what I did but I guess that acknowledging that I messed up, BIG TIME.

Picture this – Independence Day, the Fourth of July, the birth of our great nation, the United States of America! It’s a time of barbeques and baseball, picnics and picturesque pyrotechnic displays. It was all that last July as me and my buddy, Stewie Van Swede, celebrated with his family (Rodger, Mona, Greta, Hooper Van Swede) at a state park. Oh, the fun we had! Little did I know that hours later I would nearly kill Stewie. Little did I know. Me, with the Van Swedes, enjoyed a picnic (Mona makes the best potato salad and Rodger can grill weenies like no other), played games of horseshoes and Frisbee, volleyball, and jai alai. After getting our fill of salad and weenies, we walked down the promenade to the town square where people were gathered to watch the town’s Fourth of July fireworks extravaganza!

It was so much fun. There they were, up in the sky like blooms of fiery flowers, vibrant colors against obsidian darkness. Afterwards, we went back to the Van Swede house, a Colonial four bedroom that abuts a greenbelt. It was dark but the Van Swede’s were still in a festive spirit so Rodger, Mona, Greta, and Hooper all went inside to pop popcorn and watch Dennis Quaid in The Rookie and Patrick Swayze in Road House until the wee hours. As for me and Stewie, we stayed outside with our cache of fireworks bought at the Indian reservation outside town. Boy, talk about depressing. Have you been to one of these reservations lately? We should do more for those suffering peoples. Yes, seriously, we should. It’s DEPRESSING.

Also depressing - playing games with fireworks. Don’t do it! That’s my mantra from here on out for anyone thinking about playing with fireworks, don’t do it! It’s dangerous. Take, for instance, me and Stewie. We had some of those Roman Candle fireworks. We lit them and fired them at each other. Actually, he didn’t fire them at me before my first shot him in the face and burned it off. Geez, his face just went POOF, flames. He stopped dropped and rolled his face on the ground (like you’re supposed to) but, GEEZ, POOF, his face just a big ball of fire. It looked really bad, him running around with his head on fire, screaming like a crazy, and, honestly, it was bad. He couldn’t even cry because his tears turned to steam before they could leave his ducts. So his face is a total wreck. You can’t even tell if it’s a real face anymore. It’s like a face you might see in that Dennis Quaid movie Enemy Mine. Not Dennis Quaid’s face (he’s pretty good looking) but Lou Gossett, Jr. as a creepy looking alien. Man, Lou Gossett, Jr. can act like a creepy looking alien better than anyone!

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John [REDACTED] <[REDACTED]@fireworks-mag.org> wrote:

Hello Jonathan,

Thank you very much for your good comments about the magazine.

And thank you too for the article.

I must admit, however, that I feel the article is too negative about fireworks to appear in a magazine emphasising the joy of fireworks, and hope that this does not disappoint you too much.

Very best regards,

John

John [REDACTED], FCLIP
Editor, Fireworks

www.fireworks-mag.org

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Jonathan Shipley to John

Dear John,

Thank you for your note back and your kind words.

Come to think of it, you're right. A story about a boy getting his face burned off by fireworks probably isn't the best story to have in a magazine discussing the wonders, joys, and safety of pyrotechnic displays. Stewie, for your information, is doing better and better each day. For instance, hair is starting to grow on his head again. Not on top, or on his face, but there is a clump of hair growing right above his left ear which is encouraging. I tell you what though, roman candles can do some serious damage. Don't play with them.

As for Lou Gossett, Jr. he was great in Enemy Mine, don't you think? He was also in a Jaws sequel. Remember? I think it was the 3-D one. Awesome!

As for other magazine article ideas for Fireworks Magazine, I have a couple. Do any of these interest you?
1) A story about the doctor who worked on Stewie's messed up face who just happens to moonlight at a fireworks stand at a Indian reservation outside town.

2) A story about how fireworks helped turn the tide at the Battle of Hastings.

3) A story about Stewie's recovery from his face exploding. He tells me he wants to go to the Fourth of July Spectacular in Seattle this July. Boy oh boy, he is an inspiration to us all!

4) A story about ferrets.

Please let me know if any of these ideas interest you and be sure to have a marvelous day.

Jonathan Shipley