3.13.06
Volume 2, Issue 7
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... Patty.
The Reject
Fine Cooking
By Jonathan Shipley
In our newest ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.
From: Jonathan Shipley
To: FC Editorial Mailbox
Subject: Fine Cooking (Ed Submission)
Hello,
I've been an avid chef for four years. I'm a sous chef. I've been awarded many times over for my wizardry in the kitchen. I've even been heralded as "the sous chef's sous chef." Something that also should be awarded? Your fine publication. You truly know about the ins and outs of the kitchen and I appreciate your fresh approach to tried-and-true recipes while keeping us energized with informative, thoughtful stories about the latest in the kitchen and the latest in tasty recipes.
That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to print in a coming issue of Fine Cooking Magazine.
Thanks for your time and consideration and be sure to have a remarkable day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
FINE COOKING SUBMISSION
By Jonathan Shipley
It was a horrible experience but there was nothing I, or any of us, could do about. There I was, in an airplane going to a chef convention in Santiago, Chile, flying over the Andes Mountains during a rainy afternoon. The next thing I know the back of the airplane is MISSING after the pilot flew so low it rammed into a mountain, sheering off vital components of the airplane (wings, tail, passengers). The force was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I vaulted forward slamming into the cockpit door, breaking my legs. The others didn’t fair any better. In fact, some died due to the collision (RIP Jimmy O’Sullivan, Teresa Mullvany, Quinn Bint, Howard Taft, Bernice Aasberger). Others were injured beyond repair. Some of us faired pretty well. Sure, my legs were broken but at least I wasn’t still strapped to my seat falling down the cliffs of the Andes Mountains to certain death (RIP Merv Homberg).
So, there we were in the middle of nowhere, stranded on a glacier. There was no way out. We were trapped! It wasn’t as if we were mountaineers who knew things about mountaineering like about mountains. No, we were chefs and some of the best restaurants in all of Uruguay and here we were in God forsaken country. God had forsaken us and we were scared.
We knew (hoped) that a search party was coming after us but none did. Weeks went by and we were getting hungrier and hungrier. Our food stuffs were very limited indeed. Luckily, being one of the best chefs in Uruguay, I came up with a tasty recipe.
Pinto Bean-Cheddar Patty
2 ½ cups fresh whole-grain breadcrumbs (they were stale but they did the trick)
1 15-oz can pinto beans, drained (the can was crushed but we were able to extract a few beans)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (already shredded when it flew out the plane…with Todd)
2 Tbs canned chopped green chiles (there we were going to Chile and we had no chiles! Irony, I tell you! Fortified with irony!)
2 Tbs olive oil plus more if needed (the oil also came in handy getting Chip’s wedged broken arm out of a window)
1 Patty (RIP Patty Smythe. Seriously, there was no saving her and why have that meat go to waste? Her internal injuries were simply too great and she was healthy yet had a little paunch on her so she was nicely marbled when we started in on her).
I know you’re in Heaven, Patty, but, know this, we thank you and our stomachs do too. YUMMY YUMMY TO THE TUMMY TUMMY!
FC Editorial Mailbox wrote:
Hi Jonathan,
Thanks for your article submission; I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read it (it’s a joke, right?). You sure have an original way of presenting your material, but the story isn’t right for Fine Cooking. I’ve enclosed our author guidelines to give you some ideas about our editorial focus.
We appreciate your thinking of us. Feel free to submit more article ideas (sans jokes).
Regards,
Kim [redacted]
Editorial Assistant
Fine Cooking Magazine
Dearest Kim,
When we were finally rescued from the mountain we had a big potluck in honor of the recently deceased Uruguayan chefs that flew out the back of the plummeting airplane at a local Holiday Inn. If it wasn't for Fine Cooking Magazine we wouldn't have known WHAT to cook. I mean most of us were deliriously weak, standing on the precipice of death, broken bodies, broken spiritually, simply SHATTERED beyond all repair, and it's hard to cook up a tasty souffle in that state of mind, believe you me! We did it though because we have something many chefs don't have. Moxie... and a true-life story of cannibalism on a glacier.
Anyway, thanks again for the kind remarks and it's most unfortunate that you won't be able to publish my story. Perhaps I'll find a different angle and send that along to you. For instance, you'll be amazed and what one can cook up with glacier water and lichen!
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
FC Editorial Mailbox wrote:
Jonathan, I’m so sorry for mistaking your submission as a joke!! You have such a zany and dramatic way of writing that my editors thought it was a joke. Your story is so amazing that I’m sure you’ll be able to write a book about it, or at least find publication in some other magazines (have you thought of Readers’ Digest or Good Housekeeping?).
Best wishes,
Kim [redacted]
Editorial Assistant
Fine Cooking Magazine
Jonathan Shipley to FC
Oh Dearest Kim,
We, from Uruguay, are not known for our senses of humor. We are a humble and quiet people, known for our tanneries and our sheep grazing skill. We, the second smallest country in South America, also pride ourselves with our Museo Didactico Artiguista, a museum that honors not only the man who gave Uruguay its independence but also tea cozies. The museum’s array of tea cozies is truly dazzling and unparalleled the world over. For us Uruguayan chefs there is no better place to become inspired in our kitchens than seeing the true craftsmanship that makes a great tea cozy. The museum’s tea cozy collection includes cozies owned by such luminaries as Fidel Castro, Bette Davis, Joseph Stalin, and Judas Iscariot.
Sincerely Yours,
Jonathan S.
From: Jonathan ShipleyTo: FC Editorial Mailbox
Subject: Fine Cooking (Ed Submission)
Hello,
I've been an avid chef for four years. I'm a sous chef. I've been awarded many times over for my wizardry in the kitchen. I've even been heralded as "the sous chef's sous chef." Something that also should be awarded? Your fine publication. You truly know about the ins and outs of the kitchen and I appreciate your fresh approach to tried-and-true recipes while keeping us energized with informative, thoughtful stories about the latest in the kitchen and the latest in tasty recipes.
That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to print in a coming issue of Fine Cooking Magazine.
Thanks for your time and consideration and be sure to have a remarkable day.
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
FINE COOKING SUBMISSION
By Jonathan Shipley
It was a horrible experience but there was nothing I, or any of us, could do about. There I was, in an airplane going to a chef convention in Santiago, Chile, flying over the Andes Mountains during a rainy afternoon. The next thing I know the back of the airplane is MISSING after the pilot flew so low it rammed into a mountain, sheering off vital components of the airplane (wings, tail, passengers). The force was like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I vaulted forward slamming into the cockpit door, breaking my legs. The others didn’t fair any better. In fact, some died due to the collision (RIP Jimmy O’Sullivan, Teresa Mullvany, Quinn Bint, Howard Taft, Bernice Aasberger). Others were injured beyond repair. Some of us faired pretty well. Sure, my legs were broken but at least I wasn’t still strapped to my seat falling down the cliffs of the Andes Mountains to certain death (RIP Merv Homberg).
So, there we were in the middle of nowhere, stranded on a glacier. There was no way out. We were trapped! It wasn’t as if we were mountaineers who knew things about mountaineering like about mountains. No, we were chefs and some of the best restaurants in all of Uruguay and here we were in God forsaken country. God had forsaken us and we were scared.
We knew (hoped) that a search party was coming after us but none did. Weeks went by and we were getting hungrier and hungrier. Our food stuffs were very limited indeed. Luckily, being one of the best chefs in Uruguay, I came up with a tasty recipe.
Pinto Bean-Cheddar Patty
2 ½ cups fresh whole-grain breadcrumbs (they were stale but they did the trick)
1 15-oz can pinto beans, drained (the can was crushed but we were able to extract a few beans)
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (already shredded when it flew out the plane…with Todd)
2 Tbs canned chopped green chiles (there we were going to Chile and we had no chiles! Irony, I tell you! Fortified with irony!)
2 Tbs olive oil plus more if needed (the oil also came in handy getting Chip’s wedged broken arm out of a window)
1 Patty (RIP Patty Smythe. Seriously, there was no saving her and why have that meat go to waste? Her internal injuries were simply too great and she was healthy yet had a little paunch on her so she was nicely marbled when we started in on her).
I know you’re in Heaven, Patty, but, know this, we thank you and our stomachs do too. YUMMY YUMMY TO THE TUMMY TUMMY!
FC Editorial Mailbox wrote:
Hi Jonathan,
Thanks for your article submission; I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read it (it’s a joke, right?). You sure have an original way of presenting your material, but the story isn’t right for Fine Cooking. I’ve enclosed our author guidelines to give you some ideas about our editorial focus.
We appreciate your thinking of us. Feel free to submit more article ideas (sans jokes).
Regards,
Kim [redacted]
Editorial Assistant
Fine Cooking Magazine
Dearest Kim,
When we were finally rescued from the mountain we had a big potluck in honor of the recently deceased Uruguayan chefs that flew out the back of the plummeting airplane at a local Holiday Inn. If it wasn't for Fine Cooking Magazine we wouldn't have known WHAT to cook. I mean most of us were deliriously weak, standing on the precipice of death, broken bodies, broken spiritually, simply SHATTERED beyond all repair, and it's hard to cook up a tasty souffle in that state of mind, believe you me! We did it though because we have something many chefs don't have. Moxie... and a true-life story of cannibalism on a glacier.
Anyway, thanks again for the kind remarks and it's most unfortunate that you won't be able to publish my story. Perhaps I'll find a different angle and send that along to you. For instance, you'll be amazed and what one can cook up with glacier water and lichen!
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
FC Editorial Mailbox wrote:
Jonathan, I’m so sorry for mistaking your submission as a joke!! You have such a zany and dramatic way of writing that my editors thought it was a joke. Your story is so amazing that I’m sure you’ll be able to write a book about it, or at least find publication in some other magazines (have you thought of Readers’ Digest or Good Housekeeping?).
Best wishes,
Kim [redacted]
Editorial Assistant
Fine Cooking Magazine
Jonathan Shipley to FC
Oh Dearest Kim,
We, from Uruguay, are not known for our senses of humor. We are a humble and quiet people, known for our tanneries and our sheep grazing skill. We, the second smallest country in South America, also pride ourselves with our Museo Didactico Artiguista, a museum that honors not only the man who gave Uruguay its independence but also tea cozies. The museum’s array of tea cozies is truly dazzling and unparalleled the world over. For us Uruguayan chefs there is no better place to become inspired in our kitchens than seeing the true craftsmanship that makes a great tea cozy. The museum’s tea cozy collection includes cozies owned by such luminaries as Fidel Castro, Bette Davis, Joseph Stalin, and Judas Iscariot.
Sincerely Yours,
Jonathan S.