In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by the world's finest publications.

From: Jonathan Shipley
To: [REDACTED]@fiddle.com
Subject: Fiddler Magazine (Submission)

Hello,

I've been a fiddler for eleven years and started making my own fiddles six years ago. I love everything there is about fiddles and so I, of course, love each and every issue of Fiddler Magazine. Peter Anick's article "Folk Routes: Hungarian Gypsy Music Along the Danube," and Ben Nelson's "Caoimhin Mac Aoidh: Friend of the Fiddlers" were great pieces of journalism in that they were well-written and informative.

That said, I've attached a story that I hope you can use in a coming issue of Fiddlers Magazine. Let me know either way.

Thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon WA

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FIDDLER MAGAZINE SUBMISSION
By Jonathan Shipley

The best fiddler ever? Easy – Michael Landon. Yeah, Michael Landon, beloved actor in such hit TV shows as “Bonanza,” “Highway to Heaven,” and, what he’s most famous for in regards to his fiddle playing, “Little House on the Prairie.”

Michael Landon played Charles Ingalls. Remember when he got really happy, like it was Half Pint’s birthday or something, and he’d pull out his fiddle and fiddle away! THAT WAS SO AWESOME! The musical prowess of Michael Landon is remarkable. He’s a fine fiddler, yes indeed, a fine fiddler indeed! He played the fiddle a lot. Like at Christmas parties. There’d be a Christmas party out near the barn with Almanzo and Oleson family and that minister guy who always kind of creeped me out, and there Michael Landon would be (as Charles Ingalls) playing a hoopity boopity fiddle! Sometimes though Michael Landon didn’t feel like playing his fiddle. Like when his daughter became blind. That would be rough. Blindness isn’t fun I imagine. You’d bump into walls and stuff. Not fun and fun equals fiddle playing so the opposite of that would be sadness and sadness doesn’t equal fiddle playing it equals viola.

Anyway, there were other sad times that weren’t fiddle worthy. Like when that weird looking boy always got those nose bleeds. That kid near the end of the show that I think was adopted for some reason by the Ingalls family. That was dumb of the Ingalls. Why adopt a kid who has nose bleeds all the time. Gross! And it’d stain the bed sheets. Who wants bloody bed sheets? No one. So, that being the case, there was no fiddle playing. And there was the anthrax episode. Yikes, anthrax does NOT equal happy fiddle playing. Remember when numerous Walnut Grove townsfolk became seriously ill after eating anthrax-laced mutton? I haven’t eaten mutton since. And, believe you me, when I see a sheep I don’t think of Michael Landon’s musical genius either. I think YIKES!

Lou Gossett, Jr. was in an episode. Remember? Yeah, he was in that one episode where Charles and Mr. Edwards, during a recession, both take a job handling highly explosive materials along a rough and dangerously winding road. They also deal with racism. That’s where Lou Gossett, Jr. steps in. He’s black and I bet a fine fiddler player. But not as good as Michael Landon (when he was alive).

Michael Landon could have used Doc Baker. If he used Doc Baker he still might be alive today. That’d be amazing, if he was alive. A happy time to see Michael Landon again. So happy I bet he’d take up his fiddle. “Hurray, I’m alive!” He’d shout and then pick up a fiddle and dance around a campfire with Victor French (if he was alive).

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[REDACTED]@fiddle.com wrote:

Dear Jonathan,

Thank you for sending your humorous story on Michael Landon, but unfortunately I won't be able to use it. I have way too many items in the queue and can't commit to anything new for quite some time. Thanks also for the positive feedback about those articles -- I'm sure the authors will enjoy it.

Best wishes,
Mary [REDACTED]

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Jonathan Shipley to mary

Dear Mary,

Thanks for your quick and warm response to my Michael Landon story. Mr. Landon was certainly accomplished on many fronts, i.e. acting, fiddle playing, lustrous hair. It's too bad you're not going to be able to use it because of your recent backlog.

Perhaps there are some avenues I can pursue in regards to writing for your fine publication. Two ideas come to mind as columns...

Laughter Fit as a Fiddle - a regular column in which I write a funny story with a fiddle being the focus.

Violince - a regular fiction column which is gritty, dark, sinister, ala "L.A. Confidential," in which a crime takes place with a violin being the focus.

Let me know and be sure to have a fiddle-rific day.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA


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