6.26.06
Volume 2, Issue 18
Just how fancy does a dog have to be?
The Reject
Dog Fancy
By Jonathan Shipley
In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by America's finest publications.
From: Jonathan Shipley
To: barkback@[REDACTED].com
Subject: Dog Fancy (Submission)
Hello,
I've been a dog owner since I was a wee tyke and had a pug named Bobo. Dogs are such a joy! I can't imagine my life without my beloved canine by my side. I also can't imagine a month going by without reading the informative well-written stories found each and every month in Dog Fancy Magazine. Your recent cutest puppy contest was so, well, cute, and Eve Adamson's story about Cairn Terriers was quite interesting!
That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to publish in a coming issue of Dog Fancy. Let me know either way.
Thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration.
Have a doggone good day!
Jonathan Shipley
DOG FANCY SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley
My dog and I converse with one another. His name is Mr. Van Swede. He’s a rare dog, a Swedish Vallhund. Of all the Swedish small, sturdily-built, Spitz-type dogs with a wedge-shaped head, and prick ears, the Swedish Vallhund is the best kind and, honestly, my Mr. Van Swede is the best of the best. A Swedish Vallhund’s Swedish Vallhund, if you will. He’s won 13 dog shows in a row. He is a champion.
We converse, keep each other company, me and Van Swede. I say something like, “Mr. Van Swede, I like the sonnets of John Donne.” And he says, “Shakespeare’s sonnets are so much better!” And I say, “I beg to differ. John Donne is a master. A sonnet master!” Mr. Van Swede says, “Whatever.” He actually woofs. “Woof.” And then I highlight the fact that John Donne was, in fact, a master of the sonnet! Wonderful! Metaphysical! Marvelous! “If faithful souls be alike glorified/As angels, then my father's soul doth see,/And adds this even to full felicity,/That valiantly I hell's wide mouth o'erstride,” I recite to Mr. Van Swede. “I dare you, dog, to find a sonnet by Shakespeare with the word ‘o’erstride.” He goes to eat kibble. That usually shuts him up. But sometimes he comes back at me with all the love poems Shakespeare wrote. “Go to your bosom;” Mr. Van Swede says, via woofing, “knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.” He looks up at me with those Swedish Vallhund eyes, “now tell me the Bard’s no master.”
Then I have to prove to him all over again how Donne’s poems are leaps and bounds better than Shakespeare’s poetry. Donne is a poet master! He was also, I’ve read in various biographies, a kung fu master. It was in the year 1593, Donne’s brother Henry died of a fever in prison after being arrested for giving sanctuary to a prescribed Catholic priest. This made Donne not only question his faith but question his role as a human being. Here he was writing songs, sonnets, and satires, when he should have been dressed in black ready to, in the thick of night, fight crime with a fast array of kung fu moves!
The following years Donne held a variety of positions, including private secretary to Sir Thomas Egerton, Lord Keeper of the Great Seal, secretary for Lord Ellesmere, and sitting in Queen Elizabeth’s last parliament. He also taught law, all the while writing poems, publishing, and becoming somewhat successful in his literary pursuits. Little did anyone know, including Queen Elizabeth herself, that John Donne was using various forms of Chinese martial arts on unsuspecting miscreants and ne-er-do-wells. Take for instance, this news bit in the London Journal, published November 3, 1590, that’s been recently unearthed. “A roustabout gang of thugs were apprehended,” it begins, “after burgling the estate of Lord Aili Wasserman, Knight Exemplar of the Red Robe, by a mysterious shadowy figure who fought the flagitious denigrates with no more than lightning quick punches, kicks, and maneuvers never before seen in the western world. Said Sean ‘Two Whisker’ Bean, one of those now arrested, bruised and bloodied, ‘the punches that apparition threw were frightening! I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years of burgling.’ Who the man is no one knows,” the story continues, “he left only a fragment of verse.” The man, of course, was John Donne, poet and kung fu master!
[REDACTED], Kathryn wrote:
Dear Jon:
Thank you for your submission to DOG FANCY. We regret that due to the volume of materials we receive, we cannot remark on each submission individually. Be assured, however, that your material was reviewed by the appropriate editor and given full consideration.
Unfortunately, your material did not meet our needs at this time. There are many reasons article ideas are not accepted, including that the subject matter is not appropriate for our readers, we have recently featured or already planned something similar, the writing style is not compatible with our style, we are overstocked with the type of material you submitted, or we simply do not have space on our editorial calendar.
We are happy to hear from potential contributors. Thank you for your interest in DOG FANCY, and best of luck in the future.
Sincerely,
The Editors
Jonathan Shipley to Kathryn
Dear Ms. [REDACTED],
Thank you for your note back in regards to my submission, a story about my Swedish Vallhund, Mr. Van Swede, and our ongoing debate about who is the better poet - John Donne (kung fu master) and Shakespeare (who was actually a haberdasher in his youth).
You said there were several reasons my story might have not been accepted. And I, well, accept that. I know there are many dog fanciers and sonnet lovers out there. Of course, as you know, there are more people who have crafted sonnets than just John Donne and William Shakespeare. For instance, Francesco Petrarca, arguably the best Italian sonnet writers of all time. Edna St. Vincent Millay (a dog fancier as well), who is of modern times, wrote sonnets as well. Great sonnets. For instance, "Curly coated retriever of my heart/love slung forward and returning like a frisbee at the park/playing fetch fetch fetch with my curly coated retriever/yonder frisbee bends like a heart."
Perhaps, if it is at all possible, I could write a story about one of the following topics. Do any of these interest you?
1) Simpy, a giant schnauzer, who has saved the lives of two sets of conjoined twins in separate boating accidents.
2) Hank, a Neapolitan Mastiff, who only likes strawberry and vanilla ice cream. Not chocolate.
3) Ecuador.
Again, let me know if any of these story ideas are of interest to you.
I look forward to hearing from you soon with the possibility of gracing the marvelous pages of Dog Fancy!
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA
From: Jonathan Shipley To: barkback@[REDACTED].com
Subject: Dog Fancy (Submission)
Hello,
I've been a dog owner since I was a wee tyke and had a pug named Bobo. Dogs are such a joy! I can't imagine my life without my beloved canine by my side. I also can't imagine a month going by without reading the informative well-written stories found each and every month in Dog Fancy Magazine. Your recent cutest puppy contest was so, well, cute, and Eve Adamson's story about Cairn Terriers was quite interesting!
That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to publish in a coming issue of Dog Fancy. Let me know either way.
Thank you for your time, efforts, and consideration.
Have a doggone good day!
Jonathan Shipley
DOG FANCY SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley
My dog and I converse with one another. His name is Mr. Van Swede. He’s a rare dog, a Swedish Vallhund. Of all the Swedish small, sturdily-built, Spitz-type dogs with a wedge-shaped head, and prick ears, the Swedish Vallhund is the best kind and, honestly, my Mr. Van Swede is the best of the best. A Swedish Vallhund’s Swedish Vallhund, if you will. He’s won 13 dog shows in a row. He is a champion.
We converse, keep each other company, me and Van Swede. I say something like, “Mr. Van Swede, I like the sonnets of John Donne.” And he says, “Shakespeare’s sonnets are so much better!” And I say, “I beg to differ. John Donne is a master. A sonnet master!” Mr. Van Swede says, “Whatever.” He actually woofs. “Woof.” And then I highlight the fact that John Donne was, in fact, a master of the sonnet! Wonderful! Metaphysical! Marvelous! “If faithful souls be alike glorified/As angels, then my father's soul doth see,/And adds this even to full felicity,/That valiantly I hell's wide mouth o'erstride,” I recite to Mr. Van Swede. “I dare you, dog, to find a sonnet by Shakespeare with the word ‘o’erstride.” He goes to eat kibble. That usually shuts him up. But sometimes he comes back at me with all the love poems Shakespeare wrote. “Go to your bosom;” Mr. Van Swede says, via woofing, “knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know.” He looks up at me with those Swedish Vallhund eyes, “now tell me the Bard’s no master.”
Then I have to prove to him all over again how Donne’s poems are leaps and bounds better than Shakespeare’s poetry. Donne is a poet master! He was also, I’ve read in various biographies, a kung fu master. It was in the year 1593, Donne’s brother Henry died of a fever in prison after being arrested for giving sanctuary to a prescribed Catholic priest. This made Donne not only question his faith but question his role as a human being. Here he was writing songs, sonnets, and satires, when he should have been dressed in black ready to, in the thick of night, fight crime with a fast array of kung fu moves!
The following years Donne held a variety of positions, including private secretary to Sir Thomas Egerton, Lord Keeper of the Great Seal, secretary for Lord Ellesmere, and sitting in Queen Elizabeth’s last parliament. He also taught law, all the while writing poems, publishing, and becoming somewhat successful in his literary pursuits. Little did anyone know, including Queen Elizabeth herself, that John Donne was using various forms of Chinese martial arts on unsuspecting miscreants and ne-er-do-wells. Take for instance, this news bit in the London Journal, published November 3, 1590, that’s been recently unearthed. “A roustabout gang of thugs were apprehended,” it begins, “after burgling the estate of Lord Aili Wasserman, Knight Exemplar of the Red Robe, by a mysterious shadowy figure who fought the flagitious denigrates with no more than lightning quick punches, kicks, and maneuvers never before seen in the western world. Said Sean ‘Two Whisker’ Bean, one of those now arrested, bruised and bloodied, ‘the punches that apparition threw were frightening! I’ve never seen anything like it in all my years of burgling.’ Who the man is no one knows,” the story continues, “he left only a fragment of verse.” The man, of course, was John Donne, poet and kung fu master!
[REDACTED], Kathryn wrote:
Dear Jon:
Thank you for your submission to DOG FANCY. We regret that due to the volume of materials we receive, we cannot remark on each submission individually. Be assured, however, that your material was reviewed by the appropriate editor and given full consideration.
Unfortunately, your material did not meet our needs at this time. There are many reasons article ideas are not accepted, including that the subject matter is not appropriate for our readers, we have recently featured or already planned something similar, the writing style is not compatible with our style, we are overstocked with the type of material you submitted, or we simply do not have space on our editorial calendar.
We are happy to hear from potential contributors. Thank you for your interest in DOG FANCY, and best of luck in the future.
Sincerely,
The Editors
Jonathan Shipley to Kathryn
Dear Ms. [REDACTED],
Thank you for your note back in regards to my submission, a story about my Swedish Vallhund, Mr. Van Swede, and our ongoing debate about who is the better poet - John Donne (kung fu master) and Shakespeare (who was actually a haberdasher in his youth).
You said there were several reasons my story might have not been accepted. And I, well, accept that. I know there are many dog fanciers and sonnet lovers out there. Of course, as you know, there are more people who have crafted sonnets than just John Donne and William Shakespeare. For instance, Francesco Petrarca, arguably the best Italian sonnet writers of all time. Edna St. Vincent Millay (a dog fancier as well), who is of modern times, wrote sonnets as well. Great sonnets. For instance, "Curly coated retriever of my heart/love slung forward and returning like a frisbee at the park/playing fetch fetch fetch with my curly coated retriever/yonder frisbee bends like a heart."
Perhaps, if it is at all possible, I could write a story about one of the following topics. Do any of these interest you?
1) Simpy, a giant schnauzer, who has saved the lives of two sets of conjoined twins in separate boating accidents.
2) Hank, a Neapolitan Mastiff, who only likes strawberry and vanilla ice cream. Not chocolate.
3) Ecuador.
Again, let me know if any of these story ideas are of interest to you.
I look forward to hearing from you soon with the possibility of gracing the marvelous pages of Dog Fancy!
Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA