In this ongoing series, punishment-glutton Jonathan Shipley chronicles his attempts to be rejected by the world's finest publications.

From: Jonathan Shipley
To: [REDACTED]@aimmedia.com
Subject: Black Belt Mag (Submission)

Hello,

I have been involved with karate for eighteen months. I recently found my way into it after being accosted outside a Piggly Wiggly by a couple of thugs. I felt so helpless as they mugged me that afterwards, nursing my wounds (physically and mentally) I told myself I'd do something about it. Hence, my interest in self defense and, more, all forms of martial arts.

Black Belt Magazine is the place I turn to when I want to read something thought-provoking, informative, and well-written, about the realm of martial arts. That said, I've attached a story that I hope you'll be able to publish in a coming issue of Black Belt Magazine. Let me know either way.

Thanks for your time, efforts, and consideration, and have a marvelous day.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon WA

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BLACK BELT MAGAZINE SUBMISSION
by Jonathan Shipley

My dog and I converse with one another. His name is Mr. Van Swede. He's a rare dog, a Swedish Vallhund. Of all the Swedish small, sturdily-built, Spitz-type dogs with a wedge-shaped head, and prick ears, the Swedish Vallhund is the best kind and, honestly, my Mr. Van Swede is the best of the best. A Swedish Vallhund's Swedish Vallhund, if you will. He's won 13 dog shows in a row. He is a champion.

We converse, keep each other company, me and Van Swede. I say something like, "Mr. Van Swede, I like the sonnets of John Donne." And he says, "Shakespeare's sonnets are so much better!" And I say, "I beg to differ. John Donne is a master. A sonnet master!" Mr. Van Swede says, "Whatever." He actually woofs. "Woof." And then I highlight the fact that John Donne was, in fact, a master of the sonnet! Wonderful! Metaphysical! Marvelous! "If faithful souls be alike glorified/As angels, then my father's soul doth see,/And adds this even to full felicity,/That valiantly I hell's wide mouth o'erstride," I recite to Mr. Van Swede. "I dare you, dog, to find a sonnet by Shakespeare with the word 'o'erstride." He goes to eat kibble. That usually shuts him up. But sometimes he comes back at me with all the love poems Shakespeare wrote. "Go to your bosom;" Mr. Van Swede says, via woofing, "knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know." He looks up at me with those Swedish Vallhund eyes, "now tell me the Bard's no master."

Then I have to prove to him all over again how Donne's poems are leaps and bounds better than Shakespeare's poetry. Donne is a poet master! He was also, I've read in various biographies, a kung fu master. It was in the year 1593, Donne's brother Henry died of a fever in prison after being arrested for giving sanctuary to a prescribed Catholic priest. This made Donne not only question his faith but question his role as a human being. Here he was writing songs, sonnets, and satires, when he should have been dressed in black ready to, in the thick of night, fight crime with a fast array of kung fu moves!

The following years Donne held a variety of positions, including private secretary to Sir Thomas Egerton, Lord Keeper of the Great Seal, secretary for Lord Ellesmere, and sitting in Queen Elizabeth's last parliament. He also taught law, all the while writing poems, publishing, and becoming somewhat successful in his literary pursuits. Little did anyone know, including Queen Elizabeth herself, that John Donne was using various forms of Chinese martial arts on unsuspecting miscreants and ne-er-do-wells. Take for instance, this news bit in the London Journal, published November 3, 1590, that's been recently unearthed. "A roustabout gang of thugs were apprehended," it begins, "after burgling the estate of Lord Aili Wasserman, Knight Exemplar of the Red Robe, by a mysterious shadowy figure who fought the flagitious denigrates with no more than lightning quick punches, kicks, and maneuvers never before seen in the western world. Said Sean 'Two Whisker' Bean, one of those now arrested, bruised and bloodied, 'the punches that apparition threw were frightening! I've never seen anything like it in all my years of burgling.' Who the man is no one knows," the story continues, "he left only a fragment of verse." The man, of course, was John Donne, poet and kung fu master!

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Robert [REDACTED] wrote:

Sir,

Thanks for the submission.

Unfortunately, we're unable to use it in Black Belt.

Take care.

Robert [REDACTED], editor

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Jonathan Shipley to Robert

Sir,

Thanks for responding to my submission. That's unfortunate that you won't be able to use my piece for Black Belt Magazine. I was hoping to show my black belt friends that I cannot only kick their asses but can also get published in a great magazine, that magazine being yours.

Perhaps I could write a different story for you. Is that at all possible? Perhaps one of these stories about some black belts I know might be of interest to you...

1) A feature story on black belt Clyde Van Swede who not only kicks ass but is also one of the most talented Shakespearean actors of our age. If you haven't seen him in "Richard III" you haven't REALLY seen "Richard III."

2) A feature story on black belt Dan Wasserman who not only kicks ass but he's actually only a torso after a terrible farming accident last Spring outside Calgary.

3) A feature story on black belt Wendy Peachtree who is a nun.

4) A feature story about the Big Bang, specifically about the inflationary universe, a period early in the Big Bang during which the universal expansion proceeded at a much more rapid rate than it did before or since. Cosmologists believe that most matter in the universe was created during the period of inflation.

Jonathan Shipley
Vashon, WA


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