9.11.06
Volume 2
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astronomy
Pluto Confidential
By Jay Bauer-Clapp
Those lousy bastards really fucked things up for us all. We’re down to just
eight lousy planets?!? This is not some Sci-Fi Channel original series,
people-- this is real life, and it's wrong!
Of course I’m referring to the International Astronomical Union (IAU)’s recent forced demotion of Pluto-- beloved, pragmatic, stoic Pluto-- from planethood. For readers unfamiliar with the tyrannical, short-sighted machinery behind this travesty of celestial rape, I’ve scripted a brief scenario to illustrate the logic flow for how IAU’s decision came to pass:
Drunken Idiot Stupid Scientist: Hey, we’ve got nine planets – what a great number!
Almost-drunk Stupid Scientist: So, uh… what makes a planet a planet anyways?
DISS: What do you mean, ‘What makes a planet?’ Shut up and have another drink, and tell me what happened on last night’s Project Runway!
ASS: Well, what about them other orbiting chunks floating about all eccentrically and shit? Maybe we should start calling Sedna and Xena planets too?
DISS: They’re not planets! We already have nine! I'm getting my drunk on, and this topic is an affront to my well-being; please cease and desist this discussion at once and buy me another scotch!
ASS: Yeah, but you could say that Pluto just happens to be a larger-than-normal piece of the Kuiper Belt, right?
DISS: But Pluto has its own friggin’ moon, you ass! That’s a planet if I ever saw one! (Whispering) Hey, check her out. (Louder) Ready for liftoff, baby!
ASS: Mercury and Venus don’t have moons.
DISS: Look at Mr. Genius. So (burp), how about we just say that anything wider than 1,000 kilo(burp)meters is a planet, okay?
ASS: But then we’d have to include the asteroid Ceres as a planet too?
DISS: Oh god! (Head down on table, silent for a moment, then starts sobbing maniacally.) It’s all over! We’re astromononers, and we don’t know what a planet is! We’re all going to die fiery deaths, and then the suffering really begins! Why won’t anyone love me?!?
ASS: Hey, calm down, it’ll be okay. Have another scotch. (Pats DISS on the head.) Let’s do this: Anything that has cleared out all the chunks and space scum around it can be called a planet. Okay, pal? We’ll call the other ones...
DISS: Slobbles!
ASS: No, too cutesy.
DISS: Conquistadorians!
ASS: Naw, too colonial.
DISS: (Pauses to examine bottom of empty scotch glass) Dwarf planets!
ASS: Perfect! Dwarf planets! What a smooth, politically correct way to say, “Hey, you’re a lot like a planet, but we now think less of you.”
And thus was the decision made: Pluto kicked out of the family and into the streets; from nine to eight, from whole to a hole.
But DISS and ASS thought only of themselves that night; they didn’t stop to consider the effect on everyone else. Consider:
Neptune will be forced to adjust to furthest-planet status in the System Family Solar. In other words, it’s now the spoiled, underachieving baby.
Suddenly, after over 75 years of relief from the schoolyard bullies, Mercury again has to cope with anger and social isolation of being the runt of the system, reigniting its long-dormant interest in a law enforcement career.
Charon, formerly known as “the well-endowed moon” (proportional to the size of its planet), now has to make sense of being pulled in separate directions simultaneously. While it has lost its role as the satellite of the smallest and most distant planet, it has been promoted to dwarf planet status. The resulting tension between Pluto and Charon is sure to lead to some bloody trans-planetary (sorry – trans-dwarf-planetary) scuffles. It is reported that Charon has taken to watching episodes of Party of Five to help make sense of its dramatic shift in its status and responsibilities.
Venus, long known as the “crazy one”, failed to acknowledge the recent family turmoil, but did get a new tattoo before continuing its retrograde ways.
Mars’ (“the diva”) self-esteem dropped slightly when it realized that Earth’s scientific resources were no longer devoted entirely to seeing red, as has been the case for the past decade. The pouting continues.
Jupiter (“the fat, churning one”) and Saturn (“the pretty one”) were both intrigued by the recent shuffling of the solar system deck, as they both feel confident that the masses will soon support their desire to be officially declared super-planets. (Campaign slogan: Size does matter!)
And finally, Uranus (“the caretaker”) sent cards to the entire family to express its love and support. (Pluto’s card read: “You have always been, and always will be, a special planet to me.”)
As the saying goes, the personal is the political. And this redefinition of astronomical proportions is personal. It’s up to you to determine your own stance on the loss of a planet from our solar system. Remember, you have to face yourself in the morning, and the future of the solar system rests upon your shoulders. Choose wisely.
Please contact your local IAU representative to express your concern about this decision – make your voice heard!
Sincerely,
The Committee to Reinstate the Eminent Entity of Pluto
Discuss this article in the AmNerd Fora!
Of course I’m referring to the International Astronomical Union (IAU)’s recent forced demotion of Pluto-- beloved, pragmatic, stoic Pluto-- from planethood. For readers unfamiliar with the tyrannical, short-sighted machinery behind this travesty of celestial rape, I’ve scripted a brief scenario to illustrate the logic flow for how IAU’s decision came to pass:
Drunken Idiot Stupid Scientist: Hey, we’ve got nine planets – what a great number!
Almost-drunk Stupid Scientist: So, uh… what makes a planet a planet anyways?
DISS: What do you mean, ‘What makes a planet?’ Shut up and have another drink, and tell me what happened on last night’s Project Runway!
ASS: Well, what about them other orbiting chunks floating about all eccentrically and shit? Maybe we should start calling Sedna and Xena planets too?
DISS: They’re not planets! We already have nine! I'm getting my drunk on, and this topic is an affront to my well-being; please cease and desist this discussion at once and buy me another scotch!
ASS: Yeah, but you could say that Pluto just happens to be a larger-than-normal piece of the Kuiper Belt, right?
DISS: But Pluto has its own friggin’ moon, you ass! That’s a planet if I ever saw one! (Whispering) Hey, check her out. (Louder) Ready for liftoff, baby!
ASS: Mercury and Venus don’t have moons.
DISS: Look at Mr. Genius. So (burp), how about we just say that anything wider than 1,000 kilo(burp)meters is a planet, okay?
ASS: But then we’d have to include the asteroid Ceres as a planet too?
DISS: Oh god! (Head down on table, silent for a moment, then starts sobbing maniacally.) It’s all over! We’re astromononers, and we don’t know what a planet is! We’re all going to die fiery deaths, and then the suffering really begins! Why won’t anyone love me?!?
ASS: Hey, calm down, it’ll be okay. Have another scotch. (Pats DISS on the head.) Let’s do this: Anything that has cleared out all the chunks and space scum around it can be called a planet. Okay, pal? We’ll call the other ones...
DISS: Slobbles!
ASS: No, too cutesy.
DISS: Conquistadorians!
ASS: Naw, too colonial.
DISS: (Pauses to examine bottom of empty scotch glass) Dwarf planets!
ASS: Perfect! Dwarf planets! What a smooth, politically correct way to say, “Hey, you’re a lot like a planet, but we now think less of you.”
And thus was the decision made: Pluto kicked out of the family and into the streets; from nine to eight, from whole to a hole.
But DISS and ASS thought only of themselves that night; they didn’t stop to consider the effect on everyone else. Consider:
Neptune will be forced to adjust to furthest-planet status in the System Family Solar. In other words, it’s now the spoiled, underachieving baby.
Suddenly, after over 75 years of relief from the schoolyard bullies, Mercury again has to cope with anger and social isolation of being the runt of the system, reigniting its long-dormant interest in a law enforcement career.
Charon, formerly known as “the well-endowed moon” (proportional to the size of its planet), now has to make sense of being pulled in separate directions simultaneously. While it has lost its role as the satellite of the smallest and most distant planet, it has been promoted to dwarf planet status. The resulting tension between Pluto and Charon is sure to lead to some bloody trans-planetary (sorry – trans-dwarf-planetary) scuffles. It is reported that Charon has taken to watching episodes of Party of Five to help make sense of its dramatic shift in its status and responsibilities.
Venus, long known as the “crazy one”, failed to acknowledge the recent family turmoil, but did get a new tattoo before continuing its retrograde ways.
Mars’ (“the diva”) self-esteem dropped slightly when it realized that Earth’s scientific resources were no longer devoted entirely to seeing red, as has been the case for the past decade. The pouting continues.
Jupiter (“the fat, churning one”) and Saturn (“the pretty one”) were both intrigued by the recent shuffling of the solar system deck, as they both feel confident that the masses will soon support their desire to be officially declared super-planets. (Campaign slogan: Size does matter!)
And finally, Uranus (“the caretaker”) sent cards to the entire family to express its love and support. (Pluto’s card read: “You have always been, and always will be, a special planet to me.”)
As the saying goes, the personal is the political. And this redefinition of astronomical proportions is personal. It’s up to you to determine your own stance on the loss of a planet from our solar system. Remember, you have to face yourself in the morning, and the future of the solar system rests upon your shoulders. Choose wisely.
Please contact your local IAU representative to express your concern about this decision – make your voice heard!
Sincerely,
The Committee to Reinstate the Eminent Entity of Pluto
Discuss this article in the AmNerd Fora!