Ever find yourself, through circumstance, stuck around some strange man about whom you know nothing? All too often, situations like these wind up in tragedy when it turns out that a person has been fraternizing with, say, Kraven the Hunter, and they become collateral damage in some sort of supervillain blowout.

We at American Nerd are anxious to help prevent tragedies like this; as such, we have compiled a handy check-off list to help you make sure that the unknown man you're talking to is not, in fact, a Marvel villain. These are simple, effective precautions, and we recommend that you follow them with every stranger you meet.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE

Take a good look at the man, asking yourself the following questions:

Is his head red and bony? If not, he is not the Red Skull.

Is his head on fire? If not, he is not the Dread Dormammu.

Does his hair look like corduroy? If not, he is not an out-of-uniform Green Goblin.

Does he look uncannily like MSNBC's Tucker Carlson? If not, he is neither Arcade nor MSNBC's Tucker Carlson.

Is he a crazy looking, giant head with tiny vestigial limbs sitting in a rocket chair? If not, he is not MODOK.

CONSUMPTION

Suggest that you stop by Starbucks and grab a coffee. If he pays for his latte with a working credit or debit card, he is not Magneto.

Is he obsessed with eating the Earth? If not, he is not Galactus.

CONVERSATION AND BEHAVIOR

Ask him about himself. Does he say, "I like a good slice of cheese," and not "Doom likes a good slice of cheese?" If so, he is not Dr. Doom.

Does his entire conversational repertoire consist of repeating "WEN-DI-GO!"? If not, he is not Wendigo.

If near a lake or river, casually toss a (small) piece of trash into it. If he does not fly into a rage and attempt to throw you off of the Statue of Liberty, he is not Namor, the Sub-Mariner.

Does he hit on every Goth chick in sight? If not, he is not Thanos of Titan.

Is he so painfully, crushingly lame that you are retroactively embarrassed for anyone who ever had to write or draw him? If not, he is not Bullseye, Sabertooth, Count Nefaria, Mesmero, Diablo, or one of Count Nefaria's Ani-Men.



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