Someday I’m going to write a book. I don’t know what it will be about, but the title will be I Hate You More Than Anyone in the World and I Never Want to Hear from You Again. That was something I overheard a young woman say on her cellphone while we were both waiting for the same flight from Washington National to MSP. I’m pretty sure she was talking to her up-until-that-very-moment-boyfriend because leading up to that point of finality (although it wasn’t really final, she didn’t hang up until about a minute after that) she was saying things like “You don’t have to be a dick about it” and “So, you’re going to ruin the whole weekend over this?” – All in the calm but firm tone used to deliver that fantastic coup de grace. She was fairly attractive, so I considered approaching her and saying “Excuse me, I don't mean to harass you, but I was very impressed by the capable and stylish manner in which you dealt with that situation. I thought to myself: she's special,” but it didn’t seem like a good time.

Anyway, with the running theme of “greatest random things I’ve overheard…ever” I plan to write a sequel called God Forbid, I Make You Vomit. That was part of a discussion among coworkers about where to go to lunch, as I recall. I don’t know the details.

However, I need some help on choosing the title for my third, unwritten, un-subjected book. I’m open to suggestions, but here is the current short-list (again, keeping with the theme).

I Went Balls-Out on the Salad! (Actually, I didn’t overhear that. I heard that. My friend told me that when describing how he and a friend made dinner for their dates before the APO formal, College of William & Mary, Spring 1993. But it didn’t make much sense in the context either, so I’ll count is as half a conversation I overheard).

GodDAMNIT!!! (To get the full effect, you have to imagine a very severe-looking woman spinning around wildly, the legs of the child in her arms flailing out wildly, and her meek husband standing nearby. She was screaming about something with the gate agent at Washington National. This expletive was the only part of the discussion I could here. I almost fell on the floor in a fit of laughter, but this woman was scary. Actually this was the same exact trip as the “I hate you more than anyone in the world…” moment).

He goin' to Jail (the tail end of a conversation between two cashiers at the cafeteria during college, roughly around the same period as Balls-Out on the Salad)

Honey, Just Make Sure That You Find Something Fun to Do Away from Racquetball. (Softly spoken with level of compassion and care that one might use to calm a five-year old that has just witnessed a triple homicide. I think this was a father talking to his daughter. I guess she was in some kind of hothouse program for racquetball prodigies, like the U-18 National Team Program in Ann Arbor, perhaps. This was overheard in the little map store at the Pagosa Springs, CO offices of the U.S. Forest Service, which puts it well off any known charts of sheer and utter randomness.)

Honey, if you make the playoffs, I’ll be very upset! (I’d rather leave that one to the reader’s imagination).



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