5.1.06
Volume 2, Issue 13
It's hard out there for a spy.
espionage
Fates of the Lesser-Known Agents in the 00* Corps
by Keith Pille
We all love to follow the ongoing adventures of James Bond, Agent 007, as he screws his way through half the planet's population and mysteriously acquires a new face every few years. Sadly, many of his colleagues in the 00* cadre of Her Majesty's Secret Service are neither as well-known or as long-lived as Mr. Bond. We at American Nerd, feeling that their sacrifices must not go on unheralded, are proud to offer their stories.
Agent 004: Died off-duty. Was using a pen provided by Q to fill out tax forms. Absent-mindedly nibbled on pen, died of blood loss after acid ate jaw away.
Agent 0027: Retired after 35 years of service; currently resides in Her Majesty's Secret Retirement Home, where he sits in a robe all day and mutely watches reruns of The Benny Hill Show in a continuous loop.
Agent 0074: Defenestrated by Lorenzo Lamas. Died instantly.
Agent 0069: Slain while foiling Octopussy's return to crime. The less said about the circumstances, the better.
Agent 0048: Sent in mid-70s to investigate reports of disappearances and mysterious ritual animal sacrifices in hotel outside of Los Angeles. Although Agent 0048 sent a radio signal to M indicating that he was about to check out, he was never seen again.
Agent 0095: Retired from espionage to enter cutthroat world of television banking. Currently visible (in silhouette) offering deals through love-slave Howie Mandel to impulsive rubes.
Agent 0012: Decapitated by exploding cigar offered by the sinister Gato Negro in a swank casino in Monte Carlo.
Agent 0071: Made the mistake of hitting on Lynne Cheney at an embassy reception in Washington. Head and left arm found three weeks later in a dumpster in Basra with extensive teethmarks all over.
Agent 0031: Shot a man in Reykjavik just to watch him die. Currently serving time in Iceland's Fölsöm Prisön, despite several diplomatic attempts to free him.
Agent 0043: Perished while attempting to infiltrate Dr. Aquarius' stronghold by sea. Q's postmortem investigation strongly suggested that 0043 neglected to roll the windows up all the way before converting his Aston Martin to submarine mode.
Agent 0019: Fucked to death by Moneypenny.
Agent 004: Died off-duty. Was using a pen provided by Q to fill out tax forms. Absent-mindedly nibbled on pen, died of blood loss after acid ate jaw away.
Agent 0027: Retired after 35 years of service; currently resides in Her Majesty's Secret Retirement Home, where he sits in a robe all day and mutely watches reruns of The Benny Hill Show in a continuous loop.
Agent 0074: Defenestrated by Lorenzo Lamas. Died instantly.
Agent 0069: Slain while foiling Octopussy's return to crime. The less said about the circumstances, the better.
Agent 0048: Sent in mid-70s to investigate reports of disappearances and mysterious ritual animal sacrifices in hotel outside of Los Angeles. Although Agent 0048 sent a radio signal to M indicating that he was about to check out, he was never seen again.
Agent 0095: Retired from espionage to enter cutthroat world of television banking. Currently visible (in silhouette) offering deals through love-slave Howie Mandel to impulsive rubes.
Agent 0012: Decapitated by exploding cigar offered by the sinister Gato Negro in a swank casino in Monte Carlo.
Agent 0071: Made the mistake of hitting on Lynne Cheney at an embassy reception in Washington. Head and left arm found three weeks later in a dumpster in Basra with extensive teethmarks all over.
Agent 0031: Shot a man in Reykjavik just to watch him die. Currently serving time in Iceland's Fölsöm Prisön, despite several diplomatic attempts to free him.
Agent 0043: Perished while attempting to infiltrate Dr. Aquarius' stronghold by sea. Q's postmortem investigation strongly suggested that 0043 neglected to roll the windows up all the way before converting his Aston Martin to submarine mode.
Agent 0019: Fucked to death by Moneypenny.