I'm always trying to explain to people why I like comics so much. Sometimes I talk about the joys of genre fiction, watching talented creators work within a set of storytelling conventions. Or I'll go on and on about my attachment to certain characters, and their roles as mirrors of our society's strengths and neuroses. Or I'll yammer about the art, and how Mike Mignola or Darwyn Cooke can create real beauty while telling fun and interesting stories.

It's a load of hooey, really. Truth is, I read 'em for the ads. Here's a prime selection culled from a recent trip through my longboxes:

I've wondered about this quite often--- if America's rockers were to secede, how good would our chances be in the resulting civil war? Especially if we were wearing suspenders and skinny ties?

I hate to say it, but it looks like the Army has the advantage; aside from the huge guns and the space suits, at least one of them looks like a skeleton. Skeletons are hella tough in battle.

from Justice League International #8, Dec. 1987

LCV Recon sled, well, pointless, but cool. H.I.S.S. tank; a design classic even if the open gunner's turret and plexiglass canopy right in front make it sort of shitty as a tank. Bazooka and Major Bludd-- sure, they're perfectly worthwhile supporting characters. The Fridge-- Holy shit, it's the Fridge! Straight outta Chicago to bust some snake-worshipping terrorist ass with his enormous football mace!

It's a damn shame they won't take stamps as payment, because I'll have to run down to the post office tomorrow for a money order before I can order my Fridge.

from Uncanny X-Men 234, Sept. 88. And I did have the Fridge action figure, by the way.

I don't know about you, but $12 (and those are 1988 dollars, jack) sounds like a steal for a five-and-a-quarter-inch floppy full of the adventures of that beloved, well-rounded icon Lane Mastodon!

Who can forget the PIT OF A THOUSAND SCREAMS? Or those horrible BLUBBERMEN?

It boggles my mind that we're not all reading Infocomics today. Boggles.

from JLI #16, Aug. 88

Yep, there's nothing like a special-class-level word puzzle to stoke up my appetite for cookies with stripes of weird, low-grade chocolate on them! Chips ahoy? Screw that. Awesome ahoy!

from JLI #10, Feb. 88

OK, looking back, it's pretty clear to me that there was a boom in the action-figure market in the mid 80s. This Crystar business here convinces me that some suit at Remco noticed it, too, and just decided to start throwing shit at the wall to see if it would stick. Crystar, the Crystal Warrior? Clearly, Remco wasn't a haven for creative heavy- hitters.

If I had to pick a favorite, I'd go with Feldspar-- I like the way that, while everyone else just gets a pithy listing of their title, Feldspar's caption spells out his role in the narrative. he embodies good vs. evil! He's complicated! And bald, paunchy, and bare-chested. Take that, Crystar!

from Uncanny X-Men 1983 Annual.

A Hulked-out Fabio versus ugly balls. Ugly balls? Scary, bouncing ugly balls?

I'm leaving that alone.

from Justice League #1, May 87

Become Kid Chameleon! Get massive respect for your totally awesome fashion sense! Wear your sunglasses at night to keep track of the visions inside your head!

What I really want to know is, when the Kid turns into Berzerker, does he sing the "Berserker" song from Clerks?

from JLA 63, June 92

... as long as she had an education. Luckily, even high school drop-outs had their chance to qualify for that extra $94K of lifetime income, as long as they were willing to shave their heads and develop man-hands.

It's tough to see where things went wrong for our society. Maybe it was the introduction of the Ugly Balls.

from Romantic Story #110 and Love Diary #69, both in 1970.