american nerd survey

Is there someone you feel like you should thank but are unlikely to ever speak to them?  Thank them here.

Valerie Borey: To Amy C., from Montessori school.

If there can be such a thing, you were the "it" girl for those first few months of preschool. You wet your pants during lunch one day - sitting on an orange chair, I recall, and in a matter of moments went from "it" to "that." From then on, anyone who ended up in an orange chair was considered soiled, polluted for the rest of the day. I successfully avoided those orange chairs all through school and even now have something of a skin-crawl at the sight of the things.

You were not the only Amy I've known to pee in an inappropriate place. You were not the only one I've known to pee on a piece of furniture. But, I've thought about you from time to time as the person who (unwittingly, I guess) demonstrated the principle of magical thinking, of social pollution, and even humility. I'm sure you turned out ok, but I bet it was a rough year. Perhaps you learned the lesson better than I did - that these things are completely random and arbitrary,  and not a reflection on your character.

By the way - we all knew it was because the lunch aide wouldn't let you get up from the table. I just don't think we knew what to do with that information.

Thanks.

Reed Miller: I recall being about 14 or 15 on the last day of a three day canoe trip on the West Branch of the Susquehanna River with my Boy Scout troop. It was raining pretty hard and we were all pretty tired and miserable and ready to go home. As we were paddling along in a sort of flotilla formation, one of the younger kids, Matt, was complaining and whining non-stop. He wasn't in my boat, so I tuned it out. Then one of the older guys in the group Larry Berg, a quality guy if I ever knew one, paddled alongside, calmly turned to Matt and said "You know, Matt, bitching about it isn't going to help." That stopped the whining.

I haven't seen Larry in years. He married his high school girlfriend, who I also knew, but now they live in Seattle or Vancouver or something and he's a meteorologist. I'll probably never see him again.

But whenever life gets frustrating, I remember that moment. It helps me sort out the stuff I can fix from the stuff I can't. "Bitching about it isn't going to help," especially with the calm delivery he had, is like Buddhism in a nutshell.

Thanks.

Keith Pille: Some time in like 1995, I was foolishly trying to drive up I-29 through South Dakota during an intense January blizzard. I made it past Sioux Falls with my hands white-knuckled onto the wheel, poking along as part of a 20-mph convoy, constantly driving past people who'd spun out, thinking “I won't go in the ditch I won't go in the ditch I won't go in the ditch.”

So, naturally, I spun out, did a couple of 360s through the convoy, and wound up in the median area with my Buick buried up to the windshield in snow. Before I could even freak out properly, a red pickup with South Dakota plates pulled over (I don't know how they stopped with such control on that road), and a bunch of guys hopped out, waded into the snow, and wrestled my car back onto the road. Then they hopped back into their truck and drove off before I could thank them.

I was pretty useless when I was 20, and probably would've just stood there until I got hypothermia if they hadn't helped me. So thanks, helpful guys in a red truck.

Don Pizarro: Here's a shout out to the late Raymond Carver. Because of him and his poem "Company," I've read more poetry in the past two months than I have in the past decade.

Katie Sheehan: Toni Morrison for Paradise and Harper Lee for To Kill A Mockingbird.

Jonathan Shipley: Thanks George Lucas. Without you maybe I wouldn't have become a writer.

Of course, you can't write a believable script to save your life, but, hey, your Star Wars, which I was addicted to in 3rd grade, led me to write Food Wars in creative writing class. My story was awesome, full of French fries that shot ketchup and a Death Star made of marshmallows!

My teacher, Mrs. Reynolds, thought it great. It WAS great. Greater than Jawas. Totally better than Jawas.

Clint Weathers: I want to thank The Annoying Guy who sat 3 rows behind me in the "CWA201 - Creating Change" class at Metro State.

Dear Annoying Guy,

Thank you for making so painfully obvious all of the cliched ways that a student can be an obnoxious asshole.  You were loud, disrespectful, interrupted the professors frequently, and wasted all of our time with your stupid fucking questions like, "Is all theatre contemporary?"

If it weren't for you, I never would have met the two professors who nominated me for an award which has paid off handsomely in the long run.  Still, having to listen to your inane babbling for 3 hours a night damn near drove me to violence, hard spirits, and the use of hallucinogens to escape your complete fuckwittedness that never once rose over the level of "Thinking At The Brain Stem."

Smoochies,

Clint

ps: Shut The Fuck Up.

Grant Weeks: Thank you Wang Chung for your contributions to popular music, long live soft-rock for awkward teens.  You are a beautiful array of bright colored sweaters and science inspired disco.  Wang, I love your floppy hair and tiny round sunglasses.  Chung, you just rock in the background.  And you have the ability to grow a mustache.  I just wanted to say thanks for the good times.  I miss 'em...