Mark Kalar: To: Michael Graves, FAIA

Please, for the love of god, stop. I know, those fools at Target keep throwing you work, but if you have an ounce of human decency, please, stop designing things. Sure, the Alessi teapot was cool, I guess, but the home design crap you're puking out now is just OXO with a blue handle. Jesus, what is it with you and pastel blue anyway? Maybe you thought it was funny and playful and ironic 20 years ago (it wasn't), now it's just tired. I'm as whimsical as the next guy, ok, but I'm not paying twice as much for a blue goddamned handle.

And the architecture, good lord the architecture. The fact that you've received the AIA gold medal, quite frankly, is just further proof the AIA leadership have their heads well up their asses. The Portland Building is ugly and virtually unusable. Other architects design buildings that are more than just poorly-decorated boxes, and people can actually inhabit them. The Disney Hotel is a crappy hotel that you then crapped giant dolphins on to. Yes, I know that's the point, it's an idiotic point. The ironic thing about your new Minneapolis Institute of Arts addition is is not your "ironic" faux-classicism (blue stripes!?! Are you fucking kidding me?), but that you have an example of an amazingly well done addition right there to compare yourself to. What superhuman power of suggestion do you have that you can crank this crap out and people actually buy it? Design yourself a nice bright blue coffin and a dolphin shaped tombstone and
choke yourself to death on a Target toilet bowl brush, would you already?

Stephen McClurg: To: Mike Love

No one is fooled by the hat. It doesn't hide the fact that you are (a) bald or (b) an egomaniacal asshole.

Let's make a New Year's Resolution together. How about neither of us sue our brain damaged cousins who have more talent than we do?

Thanks for "Kokomo." What a way to throw a legacy into the shitter. It's not like Stamos needed the work.

Thanks for singing bass, though. And not ever picking up a sax again.

Keith Pille: Dear Dr. Laura,

I hear you were pretty when you were young. Now it seems that years of righteous, prudish anger have turned you into such a nasty old claw that, on the Today show, you made Katie Couric look like she was aging gracefully.

Maybe you should pass along a lesson about the dangers of sustained sanctimony on your show some time.

Don Pizarro: Dear Tom Cruise,

Here's hoping that so long as I avoid Dianetics, I won't end up a wacko like you despite sharing the same birthday and astrological sign.

-Don

PS Xenu says "Hi" and "Congrats!"

Jonathan Shipley: Dear Genghis Kahn,

Dude, it's not cool to rape, pillage, and plunder.
Wish you could be here in Madrid though. The Prado is spectacular!

Amethyst Vineyard: Dear Garrison Keillor,

Regarding your Valentine's Day Love Sonnet contest of six years ago: What the hell was wrong with the sonnet I sent in? I workshopped it later and got it published, so why exactly was it not good enough for you? Scansion? Rhyme scheme? Rot in hell, Mr. Keillor, you dog.

Clint Weathers: Dear Buddha,

Thanks a lot, you asshole. Now everyone thinks you're the fat guy from
the chinese restaurant. Very fucking funny.